...and, here it is.

... the rainy season.

It's been raining for several days now. the locals tell me that it will continue, on and off, for months. we're now in the "rainy season". it has made the commute more interesting, seeing green in the fields of the Willamette Valley, rather than the golds and browns and the long, spirals of dust following the tractors in the fields that were so prevalent when i arrived. there are, even in the second week of October, enough colors to keep my sensory overload overloaded.
bright flashes of true reds, oranges, yellows, golds, and greens fill the senses. the greens! there are too many to describe, and too full is the palette to occur anywhere but in nature, and too poor is my vocabulary to attempt anything other than a bland, vanilla description. the air is clean. the weather we're experiencing today (80MPH winds at the coast) is what the station's meteorologist describes as the remnants of a cyclonic series of storms that recently affected China. very cool.

normally, i'm not affected emotionally by the weather (having received an education at the behest of the harsh prevailing northwest winds of the winter prairie). this week has been one of change, and all that encompasses it. things are new and exciting and joyful and fun and scary. we're learning how to live together, as this change in our environment has been more than an acid test to be viewed clinically, in a detached methodology.

i've been down for a few days. worries about life, love, ineptitude, and concern with money. i don't like to worry about money. or ineptitude. or anything. and trying to catch up financially is futile in the near-short term. we're going to be broke for a while. and that stinks. but what is thr root, really? what is it that a vacuum void of money removes? it's the short term lack of stability that really grinds against my sense of "everything's okay". TFG doesn't dwell on these worries. she lives in the now. there is no concern for tomorrow, as that day will take shape on its own and provide its own challenges and rewards. sometimes i wish i could be as ethereal.

instead, i proscribe for the reality of life around us. yesterday, today, and tomorrow. i understood on the cusp of this voyage and transport that life as i had known it would pretty much upend in its entirety. and now we're experiencing the lack of stability that living in one place for twenty years can provide. it's exciting, and fearful. it's probably what really living feels like, and it's most likely an unfamiliar feeling considering the previous stagnation. while i recognize that i am now in a position to make a series of fantastic changes in my life, part of me yet longs for the clarity of mindless repetition that living in the midwest brought forward. i'm on the verge of becoming a whole new me. and it's okay. it's just new and unnerving.

and sometimes, like today, it's depressing. we don't have a bed yet. so we sleep where ever we collapse. We've discussed our new bed, out there somewhere, hopefully not being manufactured in an asian nation where the employees are under the gun. this new bed will be the first 'luxury item' on our list of things to acquire and accomplish. something that will be top notch, carefully researched and paid for in full; and TFG doesn't even have to produce any healthy children for me to earn it. it's so very important to me to handle this for TFG and I. as much as gender roles chap my ass ( i'll delve into this concept deeply someday, and possibly provide some fodder for discussion, dear reader, of their pre-determined dead-end obsolecense in a world of thoughtful evolution rather than of unthinking brutish animalism and emotional regression), i find myself in conflict about this one.

Charles Ingalls provided a bed and a house for Caroline in the wilds of Minnesota. I should be able to provide the same for TFG. and i will. obsolete role modeling aside. this is something i can do for my new mate, and myself. if we were entirely androgynous, i would still do this for my partner. there! i've just tossed that conflict aside, right before your eyes, dear reader.

so, someday it will stop raining. (even if there's no such thing as tomorrow.)

someday, we'll have some fiscal freedom. (even if we have the things we need to survive today.)

someday, we'll sleep, warm in our new bed, while the cold wind blows outside. (even if we have to sleep on the floor in separate rooms during the now.)