Thanks, Christine :)

Do not underestimate your ability.

-Geshe Chekawa, "In Advice From a Spiritual Friend"

Bandwagon Jumping.

I've never been tagged to do anything online, so when the invitation came today, I imagined that I should follow suit.

Pictures of my life.
1.Age at my next Birthday: 39.



I'm wondering why Engine Number 39 came up, but then the inevitable epiphany came: It's a big, bad, beautiful Steam Engine, that's why.



2. A place I'd Like to travel to and visit: Belize City, Belize.
Latitude: 17.48333. Longitude: -88.18333

Once, a good friend of mine described it to me thus: "Essentially, it's like a little chunk of Canada in the middle of violent Drug Cartel territory." With the fabulous, unfounded rumours of Mexican police and their unfettered power over their own people and anyone who dares to cross their borders and spend tourist pesos, I imagine that I'd prefer to scuba in a place like this rather than in Baja California. Call me crazy!

3. My Favorite Place: It's new to me, but it's four billion years old. It's as West Coast as you can get. It's Nye Beach in Newport, Oregon. I would love to have my family here to visit, and would love to take them here. Granted, it's not Iowa, but it's beautiful (and loud!) nonetheless.


4. Favorite Object(s). Now this one posed a series of questions: Objects I own? Objects I want to own? Objects that are publicly owned? Here are one of each, as I'm far too simple to cut it down. Here's our soundboard that lives in the Office. Inputs. Outputs. Onboard Effects. Effects Loops. XLR in/outputs. Stereo. Mono. Pan Left. Pan Right. Computer in. Computer out. Build your own D.I.Y Audio Multiple Orgasm. Careful kids, you'll go blind.



Object I hope to own someday: a nice, A-Frame home tucked away somewhere. Vaulted ceilings. Wall-sized windows. Wood stove. Rugs here and there over nice hardwood floors. Oh, and a nice little soundproofed studio tucked inside somewhere.

Favorite Publicly Owned Object: The Mardasson Memorial outside of Bastogne, Belgium.

A gift from the Belgian Government to those in the American Armed Forces who suffered, sacrificed, and died to forcefully remove Fascist Totalitarianism from their beautiful country. I wept openly when I was there, faced with the unimaginable loss of life and hope that this beautiful place endured. It is surrounded by peacefully rolling hills, bordered by tall, dark straight conifers, and time passes slowly for the amazing, gentle, kindly people who are lucky enough to live in La belle Belgique méridionale. May their farmlands never again echo from the obscenity of a machine gun. Salud.

5. Favorite Food.

Look. I'm a fat guy. I got this way because I like a LOT of foods, and am too lazy to work any of them off in any fashion. Today. Maybe different tomorrow. Until then, I'll settle with eating Salmon Nigiri every day until I overdose horribly on Omega 3 fatty acids.

6. Favorite Animal.

Honestly? I admire the Human Animal the most. We have the capacity (far too seldom used) for incredible altruism. We have the capacity (far too often used) to put others like ourselves, in a shower room with poisonous gas to kill ourselves out. We have the capacity for beautiful, meaningful Art, Literature, Medicine, Agriculture, Science, Faith, Hope and Love. We have the capacity to aim rockets at celestial objects to take close up photographs. We have the capacity to aim rockets at foriegn cities which would kill every single person there, yet leave their structures relatively intact. We are, quite possibly, the ultimate evolutionary experiment in Polar Duality.

...Specifically? I prefer Women. They smell better and generally are nicer to be around.

7. Favorite color: Green.

Flavor? Aurora Borealis Green.
Like the kind of green I saw in Manitoba.

8. Nickname:
I won't tell you why. It wouldn't make any sense outside of the context in which it was given. Let's just say it was in Duluth, at a campus party. It involved someone's discussion of King Crimson, how i must have listened to them all of the time, and a question, which i mistook for an offer: "wanna get high?" "Sure." "Right on! Got any weed?"

King Wolfgoat the Charismatic. The photo is from the 2nd stage at Jazzfest, 2006.

9. Town I was born in: Sheldon, Iowa.

It looks like this from a couple miles out.

10. Bad habit i have:

Sorry, Mom. It's always been a weakness of mine, and I still indulge when i can. Which is, in all actuality, probably far too often. It's okay. I enjoy my life as it is. As the Process advises, "As it is, So be It."

the best of the best, ranked by geographic location:

1. Holland

2. Belgium

3. Canada

4. Oregon, US

5. Your house, when you offer it to me.

6. My house, when I offer it to you.

Tag.

pinned down. in a four-letter acronym.

Your Personality Type: INTP

You scored:

73Introversion

71 iNtuitiveness

50 Feelingness

40 Judgingness

Nerdy, secretive, you are the INTP. Communication is sometimes necessary to you but only when it involves something impossibly deep or complex. You talk to your friends about eastern philosophy, western religion, weird ass music like..."well, you probably haven't heard of them", etc. You are highly theoretical, dealing mostly in possibilities. Thus, you aren't highly inclined to action. Rather than flying the aeroplane, you build it and let the ISTP fly it. You read everything, because it increases your knowledge base, and therefore the number of things you can think about. You probably can't relate to "S's" very well, because talking about the "defensive lines of the PAC 10" bores the hell out of you. Where do people fit in to your understanding? You analyze them carefully, much like you would analyze a book, and then base your opinions of them on that. Perhaps you should accept people more than you analyze. your life might be easier.

Introvert: You are internally focused

iNtuitive: You are abstract

Thinking: You use your thinking to make decisions

Perceiving: You use your imagination to define your ideas

...and, here's the full rundown. More than I wanted to know!

Be nice to others. Be nice to your Self.

Ms. Amy Steinberg told me, along with a room full of other good folks, that "You are your own worst critic! Go easy on yourself!"
She's a pretty smart lady.

Although wishing to be rid of misery,
They run toward misery itself.
Although wishing to have happiness,
Like an enemy they ignorantly destroy it.

-Santideva, "Bodhicaryavatara"

I pray for all of us, oppressor and friend, that together we may succeed in building a better world through human understanding and love, and that in doing so we may reduce the pain and suffering of all sentient beings.

-His Holiness the Dalai Lama

driving lessons.

I'll always remember the first time I drove a car. It was 1978. It was an early-seventies version of the Cadillac Sedan DeVille. It was in Sheldon, Iowa, and I was on my Dad's Lap. We lived on the family farm outside of town, and after a visit to town, Dad had me pile onto his lap (no airbags, limited seatbelts. those were the days. the only thing between us and certain destruction was common sense and nearly eight thousand pounds of pure, raw, Detroit Iron). I steered and signalled, Dad gassed and braked. And we drove home together. An indelible happy memory, burned onto my psyche for as long as i'm coherent.

nearly thirty years later, I'm so very happy and proud to extend the potentiality of future memory. Hayden and I have been flaunting the law, flaunting modern common sense, laughing at the faces of those who drive by, and sharing a series of very special, indeed singular events between the two of us. We're driving together. Our favorite haunt is the open lot at Reser Stadium, which provides a quiet place for us to practice, sufficient obstacles, and many opportunities to use our blinkers, and look left and right.

Clutch in. shift into first gear. 1500 RPM on the tachometer. slowly let out the clutch out. pay close attention to where we're going. adjust the mirrors. clutch in. slowly brake. look left. look right. turn on the blinker. 1500 RPM. feather the clutch so it doesn't kill. move from one section of the lot to another. stay on the right side of the road. repeat.

speaking quietly, matter-of-fact; not getting excited *outwardly*, yet jumping for joy inside. he's doing it. he's doing it well. he's a nine-year-old boy, piloting a newer korean-issue five-speed manual.

park. shift into reverse, with the clutch in. same concepts, only we're going to move backwards. what's behind us? take a look in your mirrors. three-point turns. awareness of our surroundings. which section are we going to move to next? careful, aim away from the curbed islands. repeat.

the next step is working towards an open area where we can move out of first gear.

the boy is nine. and i'm so incredibly happy and proud to share space and soul with him.

good work, buddy. if you're interested, we'd love to send you off to a real driving school in France for a month or two in seven or eight years. and then you can coach us.



an entirely unrelated Buddhist ass-kick arrived for me today: i've been feeling a bit sorry for myself lately (a reverse exaggeration, i've been a real whiney bitch), and this is the cherry-on-top of the beautiful reconciliation i've just enjoyed.

"Hey you, expecting results without effort! So sensitive! So long-suffering! You, in the clutches of death, acting like an immortal! Hey sufferer, you are destroying yourself!"
-Santideva, Bodhicaryavatara

There. And Back.

As beautiful as Corvallis and the Valley is, I was a bit surprised to find that the water is pretty shitty. We went through a couple cases of bottled water, and even took a trip through a couple franchises to find a Brita water filter. no luck.

Today, TFG arrives with a fresh box and the magical water filter contained within. Nice work. I'm not quite sure what the attached digital meter/readout is, or what it measures, but it's there. we have a digitally enhanced water filter.

Today i found a huge pile of leaves outside our door. In my not-quite-understanding-what's-happening-around-me haze, i imagined that someone had put them there. but why? what would the advantage be? i could step over it, around it... as other leaves are swirling around it... and then, as i struggle to light the day's first smoke against the cold wind circling inside our carport... of course. the wind blew them there. the leaves are at the center of a vortex of wind. and now there's a pile of them. I quickly resolved to re-read more Dirk Gently at my next available opportunity.

things at the center of a naturally occuring vortex. not a new idea, but it has stuck with me all day today. the pile of leaves, mostly undisturbed, while the wind whistles around them, adding a few here and there to the outside of the pile. the greatest concentration of stars isn't at the outside of the galaxy, it's at the center. Hurricane winds diminish at the center of the storm, to the point of complete stillness, while you can see the sky above the wallclouds. poop doesn't fly around the outside of the swirling water in the toilet, it aims towards the center. the swirling of a spiral. it's always fascinated me.

and now, here at this exact instant of my life, i'm at the center of a vortex. I'm watching things and people and events and time and happiness and sadness and love and confusion and concern and self-doubt and regularity and harmony and balance and disharmony and chaos swirl all around me until they have become a blur of entropy, with one concept losing distinction because it's become blended with the one adjacent.

and yet, i remain.

my dad tells me to "stick with it. make it work."

other friends from all over the country are telling me to "kick yourself in the ass and get it going."

one friend suggests therapy.

one friend wants me to move away and escape from the confusion, the insanely-coloured swirl of the vortex altogether.

my siblings, (gods! how i love them!) have offered nothing but loving support.

Mom and Dad sent a hundred bucks with my birthday card. It was a most difficult gift to receive, as i'm not in the habit of taking gifts from those who can ill-afford it; especially those who i love more than i can adequately say. In the end, it was difficult to buy things mundane like three-dollar-plus gasoline with it, but the Universe works oddly: i lost the remainder, probably when cleaning garbage out of the car. I'm hoping the Taco Bell employee found it in the trash and was able to do something nice with what remained. :)

i have yet to hear "see, i told you so, you shouldn't have moved five states away from everything you know and love and care about for an uncertain life with this girl and her son..." from anyone other than the dark, accusing, cynical self-doubt monster that dwells within my Self.

it ain't always easy being a Zen-Respecting, Circular-Thinking, Logic-Adoring Secular Humanist. Just ask the vortex swirling around the pile of leaves if it cares what i think. It doesn't. It just is.

and yet, I remain.

See ya, fellas.

today at around noon or so, the boys across the street went to meet their maker, via what sounded like a high-powered rifle. a pickup towing a mobile butchershop trailer, and their intrepid pilots made short work of the boys; it was less than fifteen minutes from the time i heard the shots fired to the time the trailer pulled out of the lot with twelve quarters of beef.

i'm glad they weren't hauled away to a slaughterhouse with chutes, stress, confusion, and pain.

i'm happy that there were only three shots to take out three giant animals.

i'm happy that the last space they had was their big, green, wide open field, and they went out together.

it looks like they do things a bit differently out here on the west coast. i'm glad.

wish in one hand...

i think i'd have fun working in a little two or three person PC repair shop, like the one i went to last week.

i think it would be fun diagnosing and solving people's busted 'puter issues. this is an area that i really excelled in at school, and i couldn't wait for the professors to reveal stuff that i didn't know yet about how to improve one's computing experience through the joy of functioning interconnected machinery. i'm really geeky like that.

the thought process goes something like this: X doesn't work. ask self zillions of if/than questions. reconfigure machined components. repeat. run diagnosis software. analyze. repeat. X works.

i think i would have fun not driving ninety miles every day for work.

i like squeezing every snippit of performance out of machines, even those that are a little old and beat-up. TFG's old computer works pretty well these days. wish mine did. i'll fix it when the new motherboard arrives.

working in the box monitoring three different tv stations has kind of sucked the love out of working in live TV production. i'm just not so enthusiastic about it any more. i think i liked working with people, having a small crew working with and for me, and working with robots and line commands and a wall full of flatscreen monitors doesn't come close.

there. i've said it.

note to universe: the place is called A Better Computer and it's on Circle Avenue in Corvallis, Oregon, USA. there's one guy who works there/owns the joint. send him an idea that he could use a little help, and then i'll go in there and let my charm do the rest.

Late Night tuesday, in the box.

My personal lexicon doesn't attach the following to the word "spirituality".

I guess i'd call it naturally evolving humanity... instead of scraping up the ladder to get to the proverbial Eternal Garden Party, one can instead achieve a higher aim: serve others through evolved common-sense by waking the awareness of the feelings of altruism that occur naturally within all of us.

I believe there is an important distinction to be made between religion and spirituality. Religion I take to be concerned with belief in the claims to salvation of one faith tradition or another--an aspect of which is acceptance of some form of meta-physical or philosophical reality, including perhaps an idea of heaven or hell. Connected with this are religious teachings or dogma, ritual, prayers and so on. Spirituality I take to be concerned with those qualities of the human spirit--such as love and compassion, patience, tolerance, forgiveness, contentment, a sense of responsibility, a sense of harmony, which bring happiness to both self and others.
-His Holiness the Dalai Lama



unrelated snippets follow.

Tonight was the first election i've been in the proximity to vote in, and i didn't. mostly because of laziness (unwilling to do the research to develop an opinion on "new" local matters to me). i kind of feel like i need a political shower to wash away the amazing amount of ads i've absorbed here in the box.

Dense fog in the valley for the next 16 hours or so... not looking forward to the commute tonight :( tonight we ran a story from national that's predicting four dollar gasoline. fuck it. if it goes up by more percentage points, i'm going to get a nice job in corvallis... far, far away from the TV business entirely. which, at this point, would suit me just fine.

from the partnerships list, authored by someone who has clearly evolved beyond that which we routinely encounter in our daily lives:

It is my opinion that when two people have been together for any length of time, you learn to read your partner. You learn to expect certain behaviors, your image of your partner becomes routine. What I mean is that you have become close enough to this person that you stop seeing them as an individual and more as a concept. I would suggest that you step back and allow him to define who he is to you all over again.
-Dennis Montoya

comfort food for my brain tonight:

"He stood up straight and looked the world squarely in the fields and hills. To add weight to his words he stuck the rabbit bone in his beard. He spread his arms out wide.
'I will go mad!' he announced."
-Douglas Adams, Life, the Universe, and Everything

Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane.
-Phillip K. Dick

my first unschooling conference. or non-conference.

my top ten moments, in a not-so-carefully selected order of importance:

10. unconsciously kissing TFG in front of a room full of people, to a response of applause and "Awwww!!!" and becoming instantly red-faced.

9. quietly discussing the random need to get the hell away from the Loud! Happy! Loud! Happy! with a dear, new friend. she's in the same camp with me. thanks, Abbi. when i go to another conference, i'm seeking you out and following you to somewhere quiet.

8. finding some quiet time on the beach with Hannah. we've spent quite a bit of time together lately, it seems.

7. the obnoxiously beautiful 70 minute drive on Highway 34 through the national forest. the Highway 20 drive to the coast is beautiful, but it's nothing compared to 34. whoa.

6. Introducing my good friend Jack Lazer to a table full of people from all over the country. my new friends: Craig. Gillian. your children are beautiful. i cannot wait to visit you in your zone. wait until you hear some of the music we're going to make in the new year.

5. explaining the extremely limited fundamentals of Unschooling to Jack, as i understand them: "you know, a kid's only got one chance to really be a kid. why shit all over them with a regiment of school?" -and then seeing the recent college grad nod in instant understanding while he mulled it over.

4. Getting drunk at Squirrel's with Donna while a really interesting, fun band lays down the law.

3. not having any fear when i explained to Mary why i had gone to Portland. Thanks, Phil. you're the man.

2. Explaining the two most important words in French that i know to Kyra, after writing them on her new A.S. tour shirt, and seeing the look in her eyes after i translated them for her.

1. being brought to tears (yes, me. and yes, really) by the subject of the song "Grieve", and in the context in which it was delivered: Holding hands with TFG at the custom-designed, intimacy-overloaded Amy Steinberg show at Sunnyside Up.

none of these people asked questions when i needed to disappear. for that, i thank you.

and, for the technical leaners:

a tech meltdown.

i have a 32-bit windows box at home, which i've built and rebuilt over the years. i've chosen and replaced multiple motherboards, processors, power supplies and video cards as software demands have made my components obsolete. <-- this is the reason i reeeeeally dislike those who develop code in an unreasonable, irresponsible fashion: they are requiring you to upgrade your perfectly functional computer simply in order to make their software run better. jerks!

a routine mainboard driver upgrade has had a catastrophic domino effect. first, i "lost" my RAID controller (the tiny little splot of onboard software that lets your hard drives talk back and forth to your motherboard). to replace it, i needed to have the correct driver on a floppy. reboot the system and reconfigure. easy.

except the driver is on a flash drive. it needs to be on a floppy. the only available floppy was in the machine that failed. okay. we'll fire up TFG's old PC, and drag/drop the files onto the floppy. gong. disk format error. okay, maybe her A-Drive isn't working properly. i'll switch it out with the A-Drive in my machine, which i know works. Gong. same error. disk cannot be formatted/is write protected. which it isn't. the disk is new, picked up at a wonderful little PC shop in Corvallis.

sheesh.

i reset the CMOS (onboard blip of memory which contains the Basic Input/Output System) by moving a jumper from one position to the other, removing the motherboard battery to allow for dissapation of current, and resetting it. reboot. the computer now won't Post (initial startup procedure, prior to the OS boot). i can't get into the BIOS at all. the POSTcard (diagnosis card attached to the motherboard) indicates a processor failure. which i know it isn't. the processor works fine.

end result of an innocous driver upgrade? my motherboard is bricked. eighty-sixed. toast. shelled. modern art.

and now, i'm faced with replacing an already obsolete form-factor motherboard. my memory is good. top of the line. my processor is good. top of the line in its day (it's still drawing $175+ on pricewatch.com) my hard drives are next-generation SATA drives. my power supply and video card are less than six months old (the result of purchasing a game and being unable to play it).

so. i can buy a new motherboard for an obsolete form factor (ATX) and squeeze life out of the whole setup. play games for a couple more years, and surf the web and non-intensive work (photoshop, audio work) indefinetely. or, i can do a month of research on current form factors and their compatibility issues, shell out a couple thousand on entirely new components to "future-proof" the box. *as if there really were such a thing*

specs follow for the current setup, and a comparison for upgrading.

current box:
MSI K7N2 Delta ISLR mainboard (@FSB 400MhZ)
AMD Athlon XP 3000+ @2.167 GhZ w/copper heat dissapation
1G Corsair XMS dual-channel RAM (CAS pre/recharge timings 2-2-2-6)
Nvidia 7600 GS 512MB AGP (8X) Videoboard
Western Digital and Seagate SATA hard drives
Thermaltake 520W power supply
half dozen "quiet" cooling fans, cables, screws, et cetera
WinXP Pro
Cost at purchase/build: +/- $1100

cost to fix: +/- $60, plus downtime and geek aggrivation

upgrade-to-64bit-computing-box:
http://arstechnica.com/guides/buyer/guide-200708.ars/3

cost, minus stuff that will cross over to the new box (case, monitor, hard drives, dvd writer)
$800, with Linux Redhat Operating System: $0

cost of a new macintosh desktop, with components equal to or lesser than the above box:
$2500 plus consulting fees.
note: instantly-irritating, self-gratifying *i paid three times as much for the same gear that you did, except i have a nifty monochrome Operating System* territorial pissings come free with anything apple. blech.

maybe i'll read a book instead.

cleaning out my inbox.

i'm not spiritual by nature. i suppose it may have to do with... ah, who knows. anyway, i really appreciate the buddhists and how serious they are. they're mostly badass in mostly everything that i quantify. discipline. disattached. disarmed. i imagine one doesn't really need to be spiritual to appreciate the view from their eyes.

It is critical to serve others, to contribute actively to others' well-being. I often tell practitioners that they should adopt the following principle: regarding one's own personal needs, there should be as little involvement or obligation as possible. But regarding service to others, there should be as many possible involvements and obligations as possible. This should be the ideal of a spiritual person.
-His Holiness the Dalai Lama

If we single-pointedly practice great compassion, then, with little effort, we will be able to gain all other virtues.
-Geshe Namgyal Wangchen, "Awakening the Mind"

If we can reach the understanding of what we actually are, there is no better remedy for eliminating all suffering. This is the heart of all spiritual practices.
-Kalu Rinpoche, "Luminous Mind"

For there is suffering, but none who suffers; Doing exists although there is no doer; Extinction is but no extinguished person; Although there is a path, there is no goer.
-Buddhaghosa; Visuddhimagga 513

Every reality is eternal, every essence is as is: just don't seek outwardly. If you have a great root of faith, the buddhas are just states of your own experience; whether you are walking, standing, sitting, or lying down, never is it not this.
-Hsuan-sha

Everywhere, truly,those of integrity stand apart. They, the good, don't chatter in hopes of favor or gains. When touched now by pleasure, now pain, the wise give no sign of high or low.
-Dhammapada, 6

Our first priority should be to prepare a long-term strategy for improving the state of the world that focuses on the coming generations.
-His Holiness the Dalai Lama

Friends, I know nothing which is as tractable as a tamed heart. The tamed heart is indeed tractable.Friends I know nothing which tends toward loss as does an untamed heart. Indeed, the untamed heart tends toward loss.
-from the Anguttara Nikaya

Flow with whatever may happenand let your mind be free; Stay centered by accepting whatever you are doing. This is the ultimate.
-Chuang Tsu
I'm not sure who this guy was, but i'm guessing that he was pretty much a ninja in anything he did.

Fleeting is this world
Growth and decay its very nature
Things spring to being and again they cease
Happy the marvel of them and the peace.
-Nidana Vagga

and my new favorite:

Do not underestimate your ability.
-Geshe Chekawa

for being militantly non-spiritual, this stuff kicks me in the ass.

happy halloween, y'all !

what a great day! spooks! wierdos! an eight-month old dressed up in a puffy shark outfit!
corvallis came alive for the kids, teens, hell - people - who are lucky enough to have been here. the downtown merchants were giving out candy to the kids in droves.

it's pretty cool living in a place that gives back to the community rather than exclusively taking from them. i'll post some photographs later...

The Peaceful Parterships discussion group

thank you, whoever you people are. how exactly do you come up with the daily amazingness you have, and share? it doesn't matter. i'm happy you're here. and i'm happy that i'm probably not entirely insane, as measured by typical standards.

little snippits of raw, undiluted wisdom follow, guerilla clipped without permission from random conversations. if you please, don't read anything into this, dear reader. disclaimer: while my communication *read: active listening* skills ain't been so great lately, and our relationship (like every relationship, i imagine, at least all of mine have) has valleys and peaks, there are tools like this to help me. and don't take anything personally. this is merely something i read that makes me feel good, when i see people working through the issues that occur in their daily lives. this is good karma, in the infinite sense. helping others.


"All I know is that I could come up with plenty of reasons to be dissatisfied with my husband. He's not perfect after all! What it comes down to is whether I want to be with him or not. And I do, so I no longer argue with reality and ask/expect him to be the person I want him to be. And amazingly, without all the negative thoughts controlling my brain, I am finding that he already is exactly who I want him to be--himself. The man I fell in love with."

"I realize we RU parents/partners have a choice. We can share the tools that make up unschooling with our partners as we have with our children, or we can withhold them until our partner does what we want him/her to do to *satisfy* us. A good start can be asking our partner what would satisfy him/her? Then listening to the answer -- lovingly, patiently. Is it really fair to expect them to hear us and comply, if we're not willing to do the same?"

"This is where I used to get stuck. Until quite recently, I believed the thoughts in my head that told me that my husband's behavior was responsible for my happiness. I am finding now that I am responsible for my own happiness and that it isn't as hard as I feared it would be to find it."

"Being genuine with our partners is difficult sometimes. But I am not surethat hiding our feelings or thoughts is an effective way to a peacefulpartnership. You don't have to make a big speech, but letting her know what your passions are and where your heart is on matters is a core aspect oftrust. You seem to not be feeling as if you can trust her response becauseof the tension happening between you. However, when we are not honest withour partners, that sets up a wedge. The wedge ruins the ability for the relationship to flow."

"When my dh and I "discuss" issues, it often takes him several seconds (seems like minutes in the moment) to formulate a response. I on the other hand KNOW what I'm going to say, immediately. In the past i would read this disconnect, or rather difference in response method, as hurtful. Like his mind had wandered during our discussion, or the issue wasn't important to him. The reality is HE needs his time to get his response together so that he says EXACTLY what he wants to say."

what the hell! are these people super-geniuses?
whoever they are, they blow my mind. thanks to you, whoever you are.