There. And Back.

As beautiful as Corvallis and the Valley is, I was a bit surprised to find that the water is pretty shitty. We went through a couple cases of bottled water, and even took a trip through a couple franchises to find a Brita water filter. no luck.

Today, TFG arrives with a fresh box and the magical water filter contained within. Nice work. I'm not quite sure what the attached digital meter/readout is, or what it measures, but it's there. we have a digitally enhanced water filter.

Today i found a huge pile of leaves outside our door. In my not-quite-understanding-what's-happening-around-me haze, i imagined that someone had put them there. but why? what would the advantage be? i could step over it, around it... as other leaves are swirling around it... and then, as i struggle to light the day's first smoke against the cold wind circling inside our carport... of course. the wind blew them there. the leaves are at the center of a vortex of wind. and now there's a pile of them. I quickly resolved to re-read more Dirk Gently at my next available opportunity.

things at the center of a naturally occuring vortex. not a new idea, but it has stuck with me all day today. the pile of leaves, mostly undisturbed, while the wind whistles around them, adding a few here and there to the outside of the pile. the greatest concentration of stars isn't at the outside of the galaxy, it's at the center. Hurricane winds diminish at the center of the storm, to the point of complete stillness, while you can see the sky above the wallclouds. poop doesn't fly around the outside of the swirling water in the toilet, it aims towards the center. the swirling of a spiral. it's always fascinated me.

and now, here at this exact instant of my life, i'm at the center of a vortex. I'm watching things and people and events and time and happiness and sadness and love and confusion and concern and self-doubt and regularity and harmony and balance and disharmony and chaos swirl all around me until they have become a blur of entropy, with one concept losing distinction because it's become blended with the one adjacent.

and yet, i remain.

my dad tells me to "stick with it. make it work."

other friends from all over the country are telling me to "kick yourself in the ass and get it going."

one friend suggests therapy.

one friend wants me to move away and escape from the confusion, the insanely-coloured swirl of the vortex altogether.

my siblings, (gods! how i love them!) have offered nothing but loving support.

Mom and Dad sent a hundred bucks with my birthday card. It was a most difficult gift to receive, as i'm not in the habit of taking gifts from those who can ill-afford it; especially those who i love more than i can adequately say. In the end, it was difficult to buy things mundane like three-dollar-plus gasoline with it, but the Universe works oddly: i lost the remainder, probably when cleaning garbage out of the car. I'm hoping the Taco Bell employee found it in the trash and was able to do something nice with what remained. :)

i have yet to hear "see, i told you so, you shouldn't have moved five states away from everything you know and love and care about for an uncertain life with this girl and her son..." from anyone other than the dark, accusing, cynical self-doubt monster that dwells within my Self.

it ain't always easy being a Zen-Respecting, Circular-Thinking, Logic-Adoring Secular Humanist. Just ask the vortex swirling around the pile of leaves if it cares what i think. It doesn't. It just is.

and yet, I remain.