Kryptonite

When intimacy equals Kryptonite, it is rarely a harbinger of anything good. TFG has been having a rough time of it lately. Life brings with it many distractions, disturbances, and odd coincidences, and any of these can naturally disturb any pre-existing drives we have. eating schedules can go out the window when one has no appetite. sleeping schedules can be turned on end when life's happenings force us to stay up late (or go to bed early). work schedules can -and do- change. Life happens, whether we choose to participate in it or not.

in my work, i do a lot of video editing, non-linear and otherwise. some of this involves "cutting promos", which is shorthand for programming in and out edit points, and throwing an audio tag and a graphic onto the video. it's mindless work, which i've labeled "EF Work", short for "eyes and fingers". one can successfully do this type of work with 95% of one's brain tied behind one's back. the positive upside of this type of work is that one can wander freely through multiple lines of thought while working. I love to think, sometimes only for the sake of thought, and this type of work (a polar opposite of directing a live news broadcast) gives me lots of free time to do so.

a lot of these promos i cut are from popular TV shows (everybody loves raymond, according to jim, etc.) where the male characters portrayed are simpering idiots at the mercy of their wives' whims. they have no say in
anything in their lives, essentially. especially their sex lives. they simply wait around until their fictional wives become bored and turn on the *i'm ready* and they and the studio audience see how long it takes for the idiots to figure it out. they're fictional characters, and yet, for ignorant, two-digit IQ men all over the world, they provide a role model. shut up and do as she says and maybe she'll give in and eventually give it up. but probably not (que the muted trumpet, Whaaaa whaaa whaaa, lead male character looks confusedly at camera). the writers and actors of these shows combine forces to represent everything i despise about men who refuse to allow themselves the opportunity to think, love, and be active within the construct of a relationship. i can't stand idiot men who do as they're told simply to get into the pants of their bored, uncaring wives two or three times a year.


this EF work also provides an opportunity to chase one's tail, and, if one has a pre-existing tendency for insecurities, they can chase you down. I do my very best to remain secure about myself, my life, my work, and my new relationship with TFG. I was (and am) determined to have this be the finest, most communicative, and most adult relationship i've had. i quite unexpectedly fell in love.

Like most thirtysomethings, i've done the kid relationship thing, with shitty communication skills adding to the eventual demise of the relationship. i've stood idly by and watched, with some detached-ness, as lovers lose interest and move on-only to happily swim in my own invented woe later. i've dropped out of relationship-building entirely, simply because it was easier emotionally and financially to be alone than to deal with the arcs encountered in a love relationship. I've made mistake after mistake after mistake.

i've never known a relationship to arc so quickly than this one with TFG. we simply fell in together, noted how vastly different we are from each other, and celebrated it. we moved very quickly, and fell in love hard and fast. through this, in the back of my mind, (and communicated as best as i was able) was the idea that i needed to work to keep it together. be the man she needs without erasing myself. show her that i care, and that i am lucky and honored to be with her and involved in her life. thank her for allowing me into her life, and to share myself with her and her beautiful son. express my love for her constantly. wanting to know about her past so we can go through and grieve for her family's terrible losses together. and above all, communicate. listen. talking about everything and anything. more listening. expressing myself. caring. doing my very best to understand. i want to get inside of her head and see through her eyes. she's incredibly intelligent, and her point of view, to see through her eyes, is an immense priveledge.

so, when intimacy is shut off, it's difficult to understand. when curling up in bed together (for snoozing or cuddling) is Kryptonite, i want to know why, both on an emotional and clinical level. what's wrong? it's something i'm doing wrong? what can i do to help? i understand that sometimes people simply don't want someone on top of them. i get it. easily. there's times that i don't want anyone on top of me, either. there's times that i don't want anyone around at all. but when a fully functional relationship remains fully functional without intimacy, it isn't fully functional. we're not firing on all cylinders. i want to reduce it to that, to make it appear as if a non functioning relationship is as easy to fix as a fouled-out distributer, but of course it isn't. and shouldn't be. we're people, not machines.

we're travelling this weekend, our first road trip together, just the three of us. i want it to be without worry, and to enjoy the travel and destination. when problems go unspoken, however, they rarely get better. just like an automotive issue. the car will rarely fix itself.

i wonder if we need a mechanic.

a brave new world.

Our own private Los Angeles

The symptoms of the cold broke the other day. It's remarkable, the ability of one's body, however poorly one treats it, to re-stabilize and heal itself. Good piece of Evolution, we are. During my last cold, i felt the exact moment that my immune system achieved 50.0001% victory over the invading virus/germ combo. Just like that, i felt the fever break. This time, i was asleep during the moment of victory, but it was so very sweet to wake up sans pain and the accompanying annoyance.

to celebrate, i've spent the last couple of days with TFG, her beautiful son, and the twins. Not much sleep, not much quiet, and a whole lot of love. We ate very well, watched some interesting TV ( i don't own one, personally), lounged, talked, debated, and loved. And now, i'm ready for some privacy and quiet to balance against the loud voice of raw life and the constant kinetic motion of children.

I love kids. always have. i have taken pride in the fact that small children and animals have always trusted me. i felt, somehow, that a more true barometer of one's trustworthiness (?) is yet to be developed. i also need time away from them. i wonder what type of parent i'll evolve into: a reclusive one, approachable only in emergencies, or an available, gregarious one, outside of my own private nature ?

While enjoying the most recent episode of Hell's Kitchen, my inner sociologist marveled at the faces of those being served in the petri-dish of public fine dining (fully comped, we assumed). "Do the people in Los Angeles understand that they're the only people in the universe," i ask TFG. "Of course," she replies. A native of ten years or more in the Valley (a geologic formation she pointed out when we stilled the screen, explained in ever-confusing detail), she instantly understood my disparaging commentary of the singularly-minded in the world.
Yet, who among us isn't an Island, the exact center of our Universe? among who else can we draw our opinion of the world around us? can any of us ( the Dalai Lama aside) really understand the view through someone else's perspective? probably not. we can imagine, we can conjecture, we can impose our own view upon the supposition. but to really see? not this man. maybe you can, Dear Reader. help me understand the mythic, the plastic, the one-cell-deep exterior shown to us by the Only People. tell me that they're deeper than they appear. tell me the same thing about myself, Dear Reader.



Phil Leotardo had it comin'.

Once or twice a year...

...i catch a cold. usually in either the spring or fall. this year, i'm lucky enough to have it when it's warm out. well, relatively warm, anyway. because these bouts happen so few and far between, the effects of an average cold or flu are somehow ...amplified, at least in my mind.

i spent the evening tossing and turning, alternately baking and freezing in my little loft apartment. i don't have any remedies at home, probably because of the infrequency of getting ill. so, i tried an experiment: i would clinically detach myself from my own perceived suffering, and coldly note the effects of the sickness. it was interesting for about four seconds. then, i went back to happily feeling sorry for myself : )

went to the grocery store yesterday afternoon. i'm lucky enough to live downtown in my small midwestern city, and the neighborhood grocery store is one block away. i shivered in the full sunlight on my walk there, and chose a nice, spiral cut ham and some fresh pineapple to go with the Jerk seasonings i purchased while TFG and i were out shopping the other day. Allspice. honey. scotch bonnet peppers. orange rind. carrots, and a handful of crushed/dried habanero from last year's garden. when i piled out of bed this morning, the crockpot was warm, the ham was done, the carrots were sweet, hot, and soft. and i couldn't smell any of it.

multivitamins and water. i brought some cokes in to work this morning, but they remain untouched. TFG is a big fan of CocaCola, so maybe i'll bring some over for her today. haven't seen her in a couple of days, but now it's probably for the better, as i wouldn't want to cross-infect the girl i love and her beautiful son.

if it doesn't get warmer soon, my tomatoes and peppers will suffer! wishing.

autonomy

...is usually noted as the ability to direct one's self, or self-directing freedom. this is a concept that i cherish. from the emotional, to the spiritual, to the galactic. The Fabulous Girlfriend and i have had many, many discussions on concepts, situations, and share precursive opinions that we have on a myriad of subjects. yesterday's was a little different: the view of women, as a gender, through the cultural lens.

we have found a zillion subjects that we have mutual agreements on, where the same ideas and opinions ring true for the both of us. like most humans, we also find that we have differing, and indeed, polar views on some. we debated, back and forth, made our opinions known, and knowing the other's positon, set it aside. end of story. or is it?

i spent most of the day with TFG and her beautiful son, we went shopping, watched some tube, and briefly watched the Boy move through the incomprehensible universe of World of Warcraft. We laughed at the antics of the Best Rock Band in the World, and enjoyed some deli chicken and sushi. it was a great day. I went to bed early, as my schedule kind of fries me out post 2300 CDT.

and, for the second night running, i wake up alone and find TFG asleep in the living room. must be something i'm doing wrong, or my voiced opinions earlier in the day are still in effect, acting against harmony. maybe i should keep my mouth shut and nod and say "MmmHmm" whenever she espouses something i find to be the polar opposite of my own opinion. harmony through disharmony?