Kryptonite

When intimacy equals Kryptonite, it is rarely a harbinger of anything good. TFG has been having a rough time of it lately. Life brings with it many distractions, disturbances, and odd coincidences, and any of these can naturally disturb any pre-existing drives we have. eating schedules can go out the window when one has no appetite. sleeping schedules can be turned on end when life's happenings force us to stay up late (or go to bed early). work schedules can -and do- change. Life happens, whether we choose to participate in it or not.

in my work, i do a lot of video editing, non-linear and otherwise. some of this involves "cutting promos", which is shorthand for programming in and out edit points, and throwing an audio tag and a graphic onto the video. it's mindless work, which i've labeled "EF Work", short for "eyes and fingers". one can successfully do this type of work with 95% of one's brain tied behind one's back. the positive upside of this type of work is that one can wander freely through multiple lines of thought while working. I love to think, sometimes only for the sake of thought, and this type of work (a polar opposite of directing a live news broadcast) gives me lots of free time to do so.

a lot of these promos i cut are from popular TV shows (everybody loves raymond, according to jim, etc.) where the male characters portrayed are simpering idiots at the mercy of their wives' whims. they have no say in
anything in their lives, essentially. especially their sex lives. they simply wait around until their fictional wives become bored and turn on the *i'm ready* and they and the studio audience see how long it takes for the idiots to figure it out. they're fictional characters, and yet, for ignorant, two-digit IQ men all over the world, they provide a role model. shut up and do as she says and maybe she'll give in and eventually give it up. but probably not (que the muted trumpet, Whaaaa whaaa whaaa, lead male character looks confusedly at camera). the writers and actors of these shows combine forces to represent everything i despise about men who refuse to allow themselves the opportunity to think, love, and be active within the construct of a relationship. i can't stand idiot men who do as they're told simply to get into the pants of their bored, uncaring wives two or three times a year.


this EF work also provides an opportunity to chase one's tail, and, if one has a pre-existing tendency for insecurities, they can chase you down. I do my very best to remain secure about myself, my life, my work, and my new relationship with TFG. I was (and am) determined to have this be the finest, most communicative, and most adult relationship i've had. i quite unexpectedly fell in love.

Like most thirtysomethings, i've done the kid relationship thing, with shitty communication skills adding to the eventual demise of the relationship. i've stood idly by and watched, with some detached-ness, as lovers lose interest and move on-only to happily swim in my own invented woe later. i've dropped out of relationship-building entirely, simply because it was easier emotionally and financially to be alone than to deal with the arcs encountered in a love relationship. I've made mistake after mistake after mistake.

i've never known a relationship to arc so quickly than this one with TFG. we simply fell in together, noted how vastly different we are from each other, and celebrated it. we moved very quickly, and fell in love hard and fast. through this, in the back of my mind, (and communicated as best as i was able) was the idea that i needed to work to keep it together. be the man she needs without erasing myself. show her that i care, and that i am lucky and honored to be with her and involved in her life. thank her for allowing me into her life, and to share myself with her and her beautiful son. express my love for her constantly. wanting to know about her past so we can go through and grieve for her family's terrible losses together. and above all, communicate. listen. talking about everything and anything. more listening. expressing myself. caring. doing my very best to understand. i want to get inside of her head and see through her eyes. she's incredibly intelligent, and her point of view, to see through her eyes, is an immense priveledge.

so, when intimacy is shut off, it's difficult to understand. when curling up in bed together (for snoozing or cuddling) is Kryptonite, i want to know why, both on an emotional and clinical level. what's wrong? it's something i'm doing wrong? what can i do to help? i understand that sometimes people simply don't want someone on top of them. i get it. easily. there's times that i don't want anyone on top of me, either. there's times that i don't want anyone around at all. but when a fully functional relationship remains fully functional without intimacy, it isn't fully functional. we're not firing on all cylinders. i want to reduce it to that, to make it appear as if a non functioning relationship is as easy to fix as a fouled-out distributer, but of course it isn't. and shouldn't be. we're people, not machines.

we're travelling this weekend, our first road trip together, just the three of us. i want it to be without worry, and to enjoy the travel and destination. when problems go unspoken, however, they rarely get better. just like an automotive issue. the car will rarely fix itself.

i wonder if we need a mechanic.