Embodiment.

Embodying without judgment

"To be fully embodied means to be at one with who we are, in every respect, including our physical being, our emotions, and the totality of our karmic situation. It is to inhabit, completely, our relative reality, with no speck of ourselves left over, no external observer waiting for something else or something better...(It) involves experiencing the totality of oneself, without judgment."

-Reggie Ray.

I like that the author has the wisdom and foresight to include the little bit about reality in his quote. it makes stuff like this easier for for a loyal Doubting Thomas-ist like me to grasp.

It's been a really nice couple of days here in the Valley. The sun has shone. TFG and I sat in our bedroom today over some really wonderful food from our local (let me rephrase: LOCAL) taqueria with the window open. I was introduced to a yummy rice-based drink, but i still preferred TBB's draft root beer. At said LOCAL taqueria, i was assured that if i was unable to procure any good habanero sauce that their family would certainly be happy to sell me some of theirs- mixed fresh weekly, and at a tenth of the price of bottled habanero sauce. (even though the proprietor advised that "it is really expensive ...to sell."

we practiced some spanish words while we ate. a new favorite of mine is to repeat "Te Molesto?" while i repeatedly tap TBB on his forehead with my index finger. He is very happy to show me another finger with an entirely different meaning, and we both laugh. and then i poke him in the ribs. and then he giggles. and then he unleashes a well-placed elbow to mine. and i gasp. and then we both giggle.

side note/diversion: TBB loves to grapple. He loves the physicality of being around a grown man, and wrestling/grappling/exercising with said (over)grown man. I like this activity too, because of the inevitable bonding that it produces-not to mention that benchpressing him over my head ten times a day is good for my oft-neglected chest and shoulders. we love to be together, and in physical contact with each other. Here is my quandry: often, i am forced (internally) to say 'please, let's stop' , for the reasons which follow:

A.) I outweigh the boy by two hundred pounds. I am stronger than he is, for the time being. I am afraid that random grappling and assorted ninja-esque submission holds will eventually physically hurt him. I don't want to physically hurt him -ever. I am, out of necessity, very careful when we play. I'm convinced that i will accidentally hurt him if we play as hard as he wants to, every day. I'm very big and can be oafishly clumsy. know thyself.

B.) I don't want the boy's memories of our time together as one stretch of violence, even mock or pretend. I don't want to be really good at instantly causing pain to TBB. he's big for his age, and astonishingly physically resilient. still, i don't want him to remember our first stages together, as a family, as a period of all which we did was to bounce off of each other (i want to use the word literally here, but i shall refrain, dear reader).

C.) it causes his dear mother angst. and i'd rather chew my way out of a coyote trap than to cause his dear mother angst. she's a pretty special lady. i like her a lot. i want to un-angst things when i am with her.

i welcome advice from parents who have more experience than i. and that's pretty much all of them. my instinct is to re-direct the energy, but attempts so far towards this end have resulted in an instantly dejected little boy who just wants to play. and playing always equals grappling.

i advised TFG that i believe that i'm evolving. insofar as i believe that i prefer to wear my new pajamas around the house all day. this holiday season, i raked in three pair of pajama pants, each more fuzzy, comfortable and fun than the next. i even went out to get our breakfast while wearing them. Sorry, Mary. i think the lassiez-faire attitude of the Valley is getting to me.