ripped off from Qacei's myspace page, and customized.
Where did you begin 2007?
In a huge public square, with fifty thousand like-minded revelers in the driving rain. Amsterdam, Netherlands.
What was your status by Valentine's Day?
I was someone's valentine! I had noooooooo idea what the next few months would bring... talk about a universal sideswipe!
Were you in school (anytime this year)?
Yes. I left University this year, incomplete.
Did you have to go to the hospital?
to visit my friend Konstantin.
Did you have any encounters with the police?
I was asked for my passport in Germany. apparently i was not the droid that they were looking for.
Where did you go on vacation?
Holland. (Antwerp, Eindhoven and Amsterdam)
Belgium. (Liege, Brussels, Bastogne, and the Bois Jacques)
France. (Paris, and along the Normandy Coast)
Luxembourg. (Luxembourg City)
Germany. (Aachen, Dusseldorf, Cologne)
What did you purchase that was over $500?
airline tickets. human veal for ten hours, and then wandering sheep in O'Hare for ten hours. no wonder i will not eat either... for i AM them!
Did you know anybody who got married?
One Lutheran wedding in July.
Did you know anybody who passed away?
Not this year. I kind of got to know a couple of people who died before i met them.
Did you move anywhere?
seventeen hundred miles from all that which i thought i knew.
What sporting events did you attend?
Is team-table herb worship in amsterdam a sport? then, i attended that one! oh, and some minor league junior hockey, and watching the Canaries lose repeatedly.
What concerts/shows did you go to?
Low, twice. Amy Steinberg.
Describe your birthday:
worked. felt sorry for myself. noticed no one was helping me feel sorry for myself, and then felt better.
What's the one thing you thought you would not do but did in 2007?
walk the stretch from the Bois Jacques (Jack's Wood) to bastogne at twilight. lots of ghosts there, man.
What has been your favorite moment(s)?
When i couldnt quite work up the courage to kiss TFG for the first time... she stood two steps up from me, so we could be at eye level, and she kissed me. it was very sweet, yo. learning about Hannah and Mitch through rapid 'ignore what's happening in class and pay attention to this seemingly insane woman on the other end of google chat' IM conversations that led to our first date. being terrified at Hannah's Fat Tuesday party. Enjoying Christmas Midnight Mass in a five-language service. We left immediately before the communion, so i'm pretty sure God thinks it's okay that a heathen was in her House for a while. Driving in the French countryside.
Any new additions to your family?
Two. well, three. well, five. One nine year old boy. One green eyed redhead with pale skin (the universe really must have been listening to that one.) One meowing Calico cat, 15. One Husband, and One Little Girl, both having shed this mortal coil.
What was your best month?
march.
What music will you remember 2007 by?
the "put your hands up for Detroit" song. it was playing all over europe when we were there. listening to Sigur Ros on the TGV from brussels to paris. Recording forty seven songs in a two-day marathon in brookings, SD- one of which was forty minutes long. yow.
Made new friends?
a nearly overwhelming amount. 2007 has been an unusual year for me.
Favorite Night out?
the goodbye and good luck party at the Hippie's Farm, complete with fireworks and psychedelics. August.
Overall, how would you rate this year? on a scale of 1-10
it's been a year of terrific change. no, i mean terrifying change. no, i mean...
Other than home, where did you spend most of your time?
in the car. on the highway.
Change your hairstyle?
yep. went bald.
Do you have a New Year's resolution?
haven't considered it yet. guess i could quit smoking so damn much.
Do anything embarrassing?
i embarrassed myself, but i don't quite know if there was anyone else there to witness it. oh wait, i'll just say this: "EEP!" while not entirely embarrassing, i did end up sharing more of myself than i had intended to at that moment.
Buy anything new from eBay?
an mp3 player for me, and a carefully researched phone for TFG.
Get married or divorced?
Hooked up, good and proper.
Get arrested?
no. thanks, cops in Germany!
Be honest - did you watch American Idol?
no. but, i never watched other pop phenom stuff like OC or Desperate Housewives, either. Did watch some Chef Ramsay this year, though.
Did you get sick this year?
called in sick, once.
Been snowboarding?
Nein.
Are you happy to see 2007 go?
I'm hoping for a touch of stability in 2008. but, we'll see. maybe it's overrated!
Been naughty or nice?
i guess i'll have to look at it in a karmic payback sort of way. i guess i've been good enough!
24 December 2007
to those of you from...
Sioux City, Iowa. Bemidji, Minnesota. Bellevue, Nebraska. Sioux Falls, South Dakota. Los Angeles, California. Victoria Island, British Columbia, Canada. Kalona, Iowa. Corvallis, Oregon. Birmingham, England, UK. Albuquerque, New Mexico. La Paz, Baja California, Mexico. Charlotte, North Carolina. Arlington, Virgina. New York City, New York. Worcester, Massachusetts. Isle of Man, UK. San Diego, California. Iowa City, Iowa. Hyannis, Massachusetts.
thank you, Dear Reader, for visiting. thank you for reading, thank you for your empathy, joy, and love. it's been a year of cheap therapy for me, and hopefully some laughs for you!
People i don't know in places like my beloved Belgium have visited. France. Japan. Kamchatka.
it makes me feel comfortably small when i look at the huge map that shows me where you are from.
love,
me.
thank you, Dear Reader, for visiting. thank you for reading, thank you for your empathy, joy, and love. it's been a year of cheap therapy for me, and hopefully some laughs for you!
People i don't know in places like my beloved Belgium have visited. France. Japan. Kamchatka.
it makes me feel comfortably small when i look at the huge map that shows me where you are from.
love,
me.
21 December 2007
Two Turntables and a Microphone.
on Understanding:
First of all, do not predefine understanding, and do not make a principle of non-understanding.
-Ying-an
on self-reliance and instinct:
I believe that we can improve our relationships without involving our partners. If both partners are working, all the better. However, if just one person in a partnership makes significant changes then it is enough to alter the relationship for the better. As a matter of fact, I would go so far as to say that my goal whenaddressing my partnership is keep the focus off of *us* and keep it firmly on *me.*
-Beth Fuller
on self-delusion:
Like a mirage in the springtime, the mind is found bewildered; animals imagine water but there is no reality to it. There is here nothing but thought construction, it is like an image in the air; when they thus understand all, there is nothing to know.
-adapted from the Lankavatara Sutra, translated by D.T. Suzuki
on happiness and pain:
If we train our breathing, we can control our emotions--that is, we can cope with the happiness and pain in our lives. We should practice until we feel this; our practice is not complete until we can see this clearly.
-Buddhadasa Bhikkhu
on Gratitude, and being grateful for what we have:
That very seeing does not see Itself at all. How can something that cannot see itself See another?
-Nagarjuna
on over-focus:
For some years now, students have not been getting to the root of the aim of Zen, instead taking the verbal teachings of Buddhas and Zen masters to be the ultimate rule. That is like ignoring a hundred thousand pure clear oceans and only focusing attention on a single bubble.
-Ying-an
Happy Winter Solstice, Dear Reader.
First of all, do not predefine understanding, and do not make a principle of non-understanding.
-Ying-an
on self-reliance and instinct:
I believe that we can improve our relationships without involving our partners. If both partners are working, all the better. However, if just one person in a partnership makes significant changes then it is enough to alter the relationship for the better. As a matter of fact, I would go so far as to say that my goal whenaddressing my partnership is keep the focus off of *us* and keep it firmly on *me.*
-Beth Fuller
on self-delusion:
Like a mirage in the springtime, the mind is found bewildered; animals imagine water but there is no reality to it. There is here nothing but thought construction, it is like an image in the air; when they thus understand all, there is nothing to know.
-adapted from the Lankavatara Sutra, translated by D.T. Suzuki
on happiness and pain:
If we train our breathing, we can control our emotions--that is, we can cope with the happiness and pain in our lives. We should practice until we feel this; our practice is not complete until we can see this clearly.
-Buddhadasa Bhikkhu
on Gratitude, and being grateful for what we have:
That very seeing does not see Itself at all. How can something that cannot see itself See another?
-Nagarjuna
on over-focus:
For some years now, students have not been getting to the root of the aim of Zen, instead taking the verbal teachings of Buddhas and Zen masters to be the ultimate rule. That is like ignoring a hundred thousand pure clear oceans and only focusing attention on a single bubble.
-Ying-an
Happy Winter Solstice, Dear Reader.
19 December 2007
Passion.
http://shouldaknownbetter.blogspot.com/
Passion. Longing. Self-Questioning. Husbands. Wives. Text Messages sent with Love, unanswered and unacknowledged. More Longing. Infidelity. Marriage. Divorce. Moving. Sleeping with your back to your spouse while they pine for someone else. Drinking. Dear John Letters. Drunken Emails proclaiming frustration with the inability to accept the concept of Forever. Corporate Politics. Panic Attacks. Desire. Distractions. More Longing. Self-Destructive Thought Patterns. Living, every single second of your life, however long it may turn out to be. Letting go and moving on.
i spent an hour tonight going through the anonymous author's archives. This lady should win an award.
i would recommend going backwards from march, 2006 to the present to fully grasp what has happened between her infrequent posts.
Thanks, Nameless. I know now that i'm not the only self-frustrating romantic getting laughed at while masturbating in the bathroom ;)
Passion. Longing. Self-Questioning. Husbands. Wives. Text Messages sent with Love, unanswered and unacknowledged. More Longing. Infidelity. Marriage. Divorce. Moving. Sleeping with your back to your spouse while they pine for someone else. Drinking. Dear John Letters. Drunken Emails proclaiming frustration with the inability to accept the concept of Forever. Corporate Politics. Panic Attacks. Desire. Distractions. More Longing. Self-Destructive Thought Patterns. Living, every single second of your life, however long it may turn out to be. Letting go and moving on.
i spent an hour tonight going through the anonymous author's archives. This lady should win an award.
i would recommend going backwards from march, 2006 to the present to fully grasp what has happened between her infrequent posts.
Thanks, Nameless. I know now that i'm not the only self-frustrating romantic getting laughed at while masturbating in the bathroom ;)
18 December 2007
Exactly, Scientifically, Right Now.
this was the first thing i saw on the 'ol Interweb today: ye old daily horrorscope.
For Scorpio, 18 December 2007:
Anxiety surfaces when you realize how important your current actions are. You intuitively know that what you do now could have long-term consequences and you want to take your time and get it right. Discomfort arises, however, when you realize that you might lose an opportunity if you wait. Take a middle-of-the-road approach by balancing your current needs with a sensible plan to achieve stability.
i wish the people who author these would get out of my head.
meanwhile, on the physical plane, here in my beautifully perfect 'water off of a stone' now, i feel washed out. a nicely coated layer of frost today. yesterday, D's xmasquanzaasolstice gift made it all the way from Africa, via New York City, to Corvallis before it was misdelivered or stolen. My exquisite outrage at this delicious cosmic ass-slap only fueled further barely-under-the-surface discontent.
you know, i find the whole live-in-the-now concept to be a giant pain in my ass. Seemingly, it's less of a self-help toolbox and more of a belief system. I got a taste of it twenty years ago, with a William S. Burroughs audio sample in one of my favorite songs. maybe it's supposed to be, maybe the paradigm shift required to think this way is a wonderful, beautiful, perfectly shaped and constructed grindstone that i keep moving my forehead towards, inch by delicious inch.
intuition. i view it as an evolutionary gift that the science of today's world hasn't quite erased yet. if you can't garner input knowledge from anything you see or hear around you, i imagined that i could always trust my gut instinct. educated guesses. disregard it if you're thinking and living in the now.
patterns, as viewed from experience. as in, "if this has happened 3.14169 times in a row, with the same outcome each time, chances are probably pretty good that the 22/7 happening will occur with the same statistic probability. always a valuable tool in MY toolbox. i now am asked to disregard this entire model, as it is toxic and can only implant unrealistic preconceptions of the future, and thusly impede whichever future you're building. uh huh.
hope. it's not compatible with the now, as i understand it. you're creating a false, idealized impression of the future, which doesn't actually exist. But if Stephen Hawking is right and there IS such a thing as tomorrow, you'd be tainting it with inherently destructive expectations.
dreams, and the ideas they fertilize. see above. useless, unless you like Neil Gaiman and Morpheus. which i do.
i'm so very, very frustrated. if this is the part of the lake that i'm choosing to view, it's a real shithole today. and it's not even MY garbage that litters the beach, causing me to trip over it and question my own ability to walk without falling. We can acknowledge that yes, there IS some garbage on the beach, but it is Never To Be Discussed. I want to clean it up, irregardless. but why? it isn't mine, so i'll clinically view in a detached manner. isn't the oil slick beautiful and perfect exactly where it is supposed to be, right here, now? i quell the suddenly loud urge to run, not walk.
...walking away is no longer an option. I love the lake. i'm committed to living here. i'm building a house on it. a nice log A-Frame, with a stone foundation and hearth, up and away from the beach a bit. You'll forgive me, dear reader, if i indulge in a moment of ignoring the present while i wreck the future, yes? There IS garbage on the beach, and i DO trip on it when i walk in the sand. and i'll take a stinkin' rake and garbage can to the beach and clean it up when the garbage can is exactly where the oil slick needs to be. i just hope the garbage doesn't rot and stink out the entire lake while it ignores itself and hopes it takes itself away.
and now, in my now, i'll listen to the proper zenmaster i know, someone i just recently had the pleasure of meeting. For me, She distilled the tail-chasing ethereal to two concise, accurate sentences. which i cannot remember. so, i'll paraphrase the idea into two crude sentences of my own, dear reader.
"Forget about the now, as it's confusingly circular, and you'll just get lost. All of these concepts have to wrap to fit around YOU, not the other way around."
*here's where the argument within falls to the side; as it's the only thing I've heard recently that makes any sense*
I hope whoever found D's xmaskwanzaasolstice gift enjoys it. Really!
For Scorpio, 18 December 2007:
Anxiety surfaces when you realize how important your current actions are. You intuitively know that what you do now could have long-term consequences and you want to take your time and get it right. Discomfort arises, however, when you realize that you might lose an opportunity if you wait. Take a middle-of-the-road approach by balancing your current needs with a sensible plan to achieve stability.
i wish the people who author these would get out of my head.meanwhile, on the physical plane, here in my beautifully perfect 'water off of a stone' now, i feel washed out. a nicely coated layer of frost today. yesterday, D's xmasquanzaasolstice gift made it all the way from Africa, via New York City, to Corvallis before it was misdelivered or stolen. My exquisite outrage at this delicious cosmic ass-slap only fueled further barely-under-the-surface discontent.
you know, i find the whole live-in-the-now concept to be a giant pain in my ass. Seemingly, it's less of a self-help toolbox and more of a belief system. I got a taste of it twenty years ago, with a William S. Burroughs audio sample in one of my favorite songs. maybe it's supposed to be, maybe the paradigm shift required to think this way is a wonderful, beautiful, perfectly shaped and constructed grindstone that i keep moving my forehead towards, inch by delicious inch.
intuition. i view it as an evolutionary gift that the science of today's world hasn't quite erased yet. if you can't garner input knowledge from anything you see or hear around you, i imagined that i could always trust my gut instinct. educated guesses. disregard it if you're thinking and living in the now.
patterns, as viewed from experience. as in, "if this has happened 3.14169 times in a row, with the same outcome each time, chances are probably pretty good that the 22/7 happening will occur with the same statistic probability. always a valuable tool in MY toolbox. i now am asked to disregard this entire model, as it is toxic and can only implant unrealistic preconceptions of the future, and thusly impede whichever future you're building. uh huh.
hope. it's not compatible with the now, as i understand it. you're creating a false, idealized impression of the future, which doesn't actually exist. But if Stephen Hawking is right and there IS such a thing as tomorrow, you'd be tainting it with inherently destructive expectations.
dreams, and the ideas they fertilize. see above. useless, unless you like Neil Gaiman and Morpheus. which i do. i'm so very, very frustrated. if this is the part of the lake that i'm choosing to view, it's a real shithole today. and it's not even MY garbage that litters the beach, causing me to trip over it and question my own ability to walk without falling. We can acknowledge that yes, there IS some garbage on the beach, but it is Never To Be Discussed. I want to clean it up, irregardless. but why? it isn't mine, so i'll clinically view in a detached manner. isn't the oil slick beautiful and perfect exactly where it is supposed to be, right here, now? i quell the suddenly loud urge to run, not walk.
...walking away is no longer an option. I love the lake. i'm committed to living here. i'm building a house on it. a nice log A-Frame, with a stone foundation and hearth, up and away from the beach a bit. You'll forgive me, dear reader, if i indulge in a moment of ignoring the present while i wreck the future, yes? There IS garbage on the beach, and i DO trip on it when i walk in the sand. and i'll take a stinkin' rake and garbage can to the beach and clean it up when the garbage can is exactly where the oil slick needs to be. i just hope the garbage doesn't rot and stink out the entire lake while it ignores itself and hopes it takes itself away.and now, in my now, i'll listen to the proper zenmaster i know, someone i just recently had the pleasure of meeting. For me, She distilled the tail-chasing ethereal to two concise, accurate sentences. which i cannot remember. so, i'll paraphrase the idea into two crude sentences of my own, dear reader.
"Forget about the now, as it's confusingly circular, and you'll just get lost. All of these concepts have to wrap to fit around YOU, not the other way around."
*here's where the argument within falls to the side; as it's the only thing I've heard recently that makes any sense*
I hope whoever found D's xmaskwanzaasolstice gift enjoys it. Really!
05 December 2007
....aaaaaaaaand introducing!
my baby sister!
she's quite pregnant, and my newly-hatched niece and/or nephew is scheduled (or not!) to arrive sometime around the Solstice. Said newly-hatched niece and/or nephew is scheduled (or not!) to arrive at home, in lieu of a hospital. pregnancy isn't a sickness, and i'm so very happy the baby will be welcomed into the world in a quiet, safe place, unlit by harsh flourescents and halogens, filled only with family and love and welcoming. i am so VERY proud of her!
she lives in Stratford-Upon-Avon, near Birmingham, England with her amazing two-tier-bus-driving husband, Mark. It's tough to get Manchester United schwag there, but she always finds some for me, anyhow.
Thanks, Karin! I enjoyed the best cup of coffee in the world (just ask D, she'll tell you) this morning *afternoon* out of my famous Man U coffee mug. I'm sending a massive blast of whatever Karma i've earned your way tonight. I love you!
29 November 2007
Thanks, Christine :)
Do not underestimate your ability.-Geshe Chekawa, "In Advice From a Spiritual Friend"
28 November 2007
Bandwagon Jumping.
I've never been tagged to do anything online, so when the invitation came today, I imagined that I should follow suit.
Pictures of my life.
1.Age at my next Birthday: 39.
I'm wondering why Engine Number 39 came up, but then the inevitable epiphany came: It's a big, bad, beautiful Steam Engine, that's why.
2. A place I'd Like to travel to and visit: Belize City, Belize.
Latitude: 17.48333. Longitude: -88.18333
Once, a good friend of mine described it to me thus: "Essentially, it's like a little chunk of Canada in the middle of violent Drug Cartel territory." With the fabulous, unfounded rumours of Mexican police and their unfettered power over their own people and anyone who dares to cross their borders andspend tourist pesos, I imagine that I'd prefer to scuba in a place like this rather than in Baja California. Call me crazy!
3. My Favorite Place: It's new to me, but it's four billion years old. It's as West Coast as you can get. It's Nye Beach in Newport, Oregon. I would love to have my family here to visit, and would love to take them here. Granted, it's not Iowa, but it's beautiful (and loud!) nonetheless.
4. Favorite Object(s). Now this one posed a series of questions: Objects I own? Objects I want to own? Objects that are publicly owned? Here are one of each, as I'm far too simple to cut it down. Here's our soundboard that lives in the Office. Inputs. Outputs. Onboard Effects. Effects Loops. XLR in/outputs. Stereo. Mono. Pan Left. Pan Right. Computer in. Computer out. Build your own D.I.Y Audio Multiple Orgasm. Careful kids, you'll go blind.
Object I hope to own someday: a nice, A-Frame home tucked away somewhere. Vaulted ceilings. Wall-sized windows. Wood stove. Rugs here and there over nice hardwood floors. Oh, and a nice little soundproofed studio tucked inside somewhere.
Pictures of my life.
1.Age at my next Birthday: 39.
I'm wondering why Engine Number 39 came up, but then the inevitable epiphany came: It's a big, bad, beautiful Steam Engine, that's why.
2. A place I'd Like to travel to and visit: Belize City, Belize.
Latitude: 17.48333. Longitude: -88.18333
Once, a good friend of mine described it to me thus: "Essentially, it's like a little chunk of Canada in the middle of violent Drug Cartel territory." With the fabulous, unfounded rumours of Mexican police and their unfettered power over their own people and anyone who dares to cross their borders and
3. My Favorite Place: It's new to me, but it's four billion years old. It's as West Coast as you can get. It's Nye Beach in Newport, Oregon. I would love to have my family here to visit, and would love to take them here. Granted, it's not Iowa, but it's beautiful (and loud!) nonetheless.
4. Favorite Object(s). Now this one posed a series of questions: Objects I own? Objects I want to own? Objects that are publicly owned? Here are one of each, as I'm far too simple to cut it down. Here's our soundboard that lives in the Office. Inputs. Outputs. Onboard Effects. Effects Loops. XLR in/outputs. Stereo. Mono. Pan Left. Pan Right. Computer in. Computer out. Build your own D.I.Y Audio Multiple Orgasm. Careful kids, you'll go blind.
Object I hope to own someday: a nice, A-Frame home tucked away somewhere. Vaulted ceilings. Wall-sized windows. Wood stove. Rugs here and there over nice hardwood floors. Oh, and a nice little soundproofed studio tucked inside somewhere.
Favorite Publicly Owned Object: The Mardasson Memorial outside of Bastogne, Belgium. 
A gift from the Belgian Government to those in the American Armed Forces who suffered, sacrificed, and died to forcefully remove Fascist Totalitarianism from their beautiful country. I wept openly when I was there, faced with the unimaginable loss of life and hope that this beautiful place endured. It is surrounded by peacefully rolling hills, bordered by tall, dark straight conifers, and time passes slowly for the amazing, gentle, kindly people who are lucky enough to live in La belle Belgique méridionale. May their farmlands never again echo from the obscenity of a machine gun. Salud.
5. Favorite Food. 
Look. I'm a fat guy. I got this way because I like a LOT of foods, and am too lazy to work any of them off in any fashion. Today. Maybe different tomorrow. Until then, I'll settle with eating Salmon Nigiri every day until I overdose horribly on Omega 3 fatty acids.
6. Favorite Animal. 
Honestly? I admire the Human Animal the most. We have the capacity (far too seldom used) for incredible altruism. We have the capacity (far too often used) to put others like ourselves, in a shower room with poisonous gas to kill ourselves out. We have the capacity for beautiful, meaningful Art, Literature, Medicine, Agriculture, Science, Faith, Hope and Love. We have the capacity to aim rockets at celestial objects to take close up photographs. We have the capacity to aim rockets at foriegn cities which would kill every single person there, yet leave their structures relatively intact. We are, quite possibly, the ultimate evolutionary experiment in Polar Duality.
...Specifically? I prefer Women. They smell better and generally are nicer to be around.
7. Favorite color:
Green.
Flavor? Aurora Borealis Green.
Like the kind of green I saw in Manitoba.
8. Nickname: 
I won't tell you why. It wouldn't make any sense outside of the context in which it was given. Let's just say it was in Duluth, at a campus party. It involved someone's discussion of King Crimson, how i must have listened to them all of the time, and a question, which i mistook for an offer: "wanna get high?" "Sure." "Right on! Got any weed?"
King Wolfgoat the Charismatic. The photo is from the 2nd stage at Jazzfest, 2006.
9. Town I was born in: 
Sheldon, Iowa.
Sheldon, Iowa. It looks like this from a couple miles out.
10. Bad habit i have:
Sorry, Mom. It's always been a weakness of mine, and I still indulge when i can. Which is, in all actuality, probably far too often. It's okay. I enjoy my life as it is. As the Process advises, "As it is, So be It."
the best of the best, ranked by geographic location:
1. Holland
2. Belgium
3. Canada
4. Oregon, US
5. Your house, when you offer it to me.
6. My house, when I offer it to you.
Tag.
23 November 2007
pinned down. in a four-letter acronym.
Your Personality Type: INTP
You scored:
73Introversion
71 iNtuitiveness
50 Feelingness
40 Judgingness
Nerdy, secretive, you are the INTP. Communication is sometimes necessary to you but only when it involves something impossibly deep or complex. You talk to your friends about eastern philosophy, western religion, weird ass music like..."well, you probably haven't heard of them", etc. You are highly theoretical, dealing mostly in possibilities. Thus, you aren't highly inclined to action. Rather than flying the aeroplane, you build it and let the ISTP fly it. You read everything, because it increases your knowledge base, and therefore the number of things you can think about. You probably can't relate to "S's" very well, because talking about the "defensive lines of the PAC 10" bores the hell out of you. Where do people fit in to your understanding? You analyze them carefully, much like you would analyze a book, and then base your opinions of them on that. Perhaps you should accept people more than you analyze. your life might be easier.
Introvert: You are internally focused
iNtuitive: You are abstract
Thinking: You use your thinking to make decisions
Perceiving: You use your imagination to define your ideas
...and, here's the full rundown. More than I wanted to know!
21 November 2007
Be nice to others. Be nice to your Self.
Ms. Amy Steinberg told me, along with a room full of other good folks, that "You are your own worst critic! Go easy on yourself!"
She's a pretty smart lady.
Although wishing to be rid of misery,
They run toward misery itself.
Although wishing to have happiness,
Like an enemy they ignorantly destroy it.
-Santideva, "Bodhicaryavatara"
I pray for all of us, oppressor and friend, that together we may succeed in building a better world through human understanding and love, and that in doing so we may reduce the pain and suffering of all sentient beings.
-His Holiness the Dalai Lama
She's a pretty smart lady.
Although wishing to be rid of misery,
They run toward misery itself.
Although wishing to have happiness,
Like an enemy they ignorantly destroy it.
-Santideva, "Bodhicaryavatara"
I pray for all of us, oppressor and friend, that together we may succeed in building a better world through human understanding and love, and that in doing so we may reduce the pain and suffering of all sentient beings.
-His Holiness the Dalai Lama
19 November 2007
driving lessons.
I'll always remember the first time I drove a car. It was 1978. It was an early-seventies version of the Cadillac Sedan DeVille. It was in Sheldon, Iowa, and I was on my Dad's Lap. We lived on the family farm outside of town, and after a visit to town, Dad had me pile onto his lap (no airbags, limited seatbelts. those were the days. the only thing between us and certain destruction was common sense and nearly eight thousand pounds of pure, raw, Detroit Iron). I steered and signalled, Dad gassed and braked. And we drove home together. An indelible happy memory, burned onto my psyche for as long as i'm coherent.
nearly thirty years later, I'm so very happy and proud to extend the potentiality of future memory. Hayden and I have been flaunting the law, flaunting modern common sense, laughing at the faces of those who drive by, and sharing a series of very special, indeed singular events between the two of us. We're driving together. Our favorite haunt is the open lot at Reser Stadium, which provides a quiet place for us to practice, sufficient obstacles, and many opportunities to use our blinkers, and look left and right.
Clutch in. shift into first gear. 1500 RPM on the tachometer. slowly let out the clutch out. pay close attention to where we're going. adjust the mirrors. clutch in. slowly brake. look left. look right. turn on the blinker. 1500 RPM. feather the clutch so it doesn't kill. move from one section of the lot to another. stay on the right side of the road. repeat.
speaking quietly, matter-of-fact; not getting excited *outwardly*, yet jumping for joy inside. he's doing it. he's doing it well. he's a nine-year-old boy, piloting a newer korean-issue five-speed manual.
park. shift into reverse, with the clutch in. same concepts, only we're going to move backwards. what's behind us? take a look in your mirrors. three-point turns. awareness of our surroundings. which section are we going to move to next? careful, aim away from the curbed islands. repeat.
the next step is working towards an open area where we can move out of first gear.
the boy is nine. and i'm so incredibly happy and proud to share space and soul with him.
good work, buddy. if you're interested, we'd love to send you off to a real driving school in France for a month or two in seven or eight years. and then you can coach us.
an entirely unrelated Buddhist ass-kick arrived for me today: i've been feeling a bit sorry for myself lately (a reverse exaggeration, i've been a real whiney bitch), and this is the cherry-on-top of the beautiful reconciliation i've just enjoyed.
"Hey you, expecting results without effort! So sensitive! So long-suffering! You, in the clutches of death, acting like an immortal! Hey sufferer, you are destroying yourself!"
-Santideva, Bodhicaryavatara
nearly thirty years later, I'm so very happy and proud to extend the potentiality of future memory. Hayden and I have been flaunting the law, flaunting modern common sense, laughing at the faces of those who drive by, and sharing a series of very special, indeed singular events between the two of us. We're driving together. Our favorite haunt is the open lot at Reser Stadium, which provides a quiet place for us to practice, sufficient obstacles, and many opportunities to use our blinkers, and look left and right.
Clutch in. shift into first gear. 1500 RPM on the tachometer. slowly let out the clutch out. pay close attention to where we're going. adjust the mirrors. clutch in. slowly brake. look left. look right. turn on the blinker. 1500 RPM. feather the clutch so it doesn't kill. move from one section of the lot to another. stay on the right side of the road. repeat.
speaking quietly, matter-of-fact; not getting excited *outwardly*, yet jumping for joy inside. he's doing it. he's doing it well. he's a nine-year-old boy, piloting a newer korean-issue five-speed manual.
park. shift into reverse, with the clutch in. same concepts, only we're going to move backwards. what's behind us? take a look in your mirrors. three-point turns. awareness of our surroundings. which section are we going to move to next? careful, aim away from the curbed islands. repeat.
the next step is working towards an open area where we can move out of first gear.
the boy is nine. and i'm so incredibly happy and proud to share space and soul with him.
good work, buddy. if you're interested, we'd love to send you off to a real driving school in France for a month or two in seven or eight years. and then you can coach us.
an entirely unrelated Buddhist ass-kick arrived for me today: i've been feeling a bit sorry for myself lately (a reverse exaggeration, i've been a real whiney bitch), and this is the cherry-on-top of the beautiful reconciliation i've just enjoyed.
"Hey you, expecting results without effort! So sensitive! So long-suffering! You, in the clutches of death, acting like an immortal! Hey sufferer, you are destroying yourself!"
-Santideva, Bodhicaryavatara
12 November 2007
There. And Back.
As beautiful as Corvallis and the Valley is, I was a bit surprised to find that the water is pretty shitty. We went through a couple cases of bottled water, and even took a trip through a couple franchises to find a Brita water filter. no luck.
Today, TFG arrives with a fresh box and the magical water filter contained within. Nice work. I'm not quite sure what the attached digital meter/readout is, or what it measures, but it's there. we have a digitally enhanced water filter.
Today i found a huge pile of leaves outside our door. In my not-quite-understanding-what's-happening-around-me haze, i imagined that someone had put them there. but why? what would the advantage be? i could step over it, around it... as other leaves are swirling around it... and then, as i struggle to light the day's first smoke against the cold wind circling inside our carport... of course. the wind blew them there. the leaves are at the center of a vortex of wind. and now there's a pile of them. I quickly resolved to re-read more Dirk Gently at my next available opportunity.
things at the center of a naturally occuring vortex. not a new idea, but it has stuck with me all day today. the pile of leaves, mostly undisturbed, while the wind whistles around them, adding a few here and there to the outside of the pile. the greatest concentration of stars isn't at the outside of the galaxy, it's at the center. Hurricane winds diminish at the center of the storm, to the point of complete stillness, while you can see the sky above the wallclouds. poop doesn't fly around the outside of the swirling water in the toilet, it aims towards the center. the swirling of a spiral. it's always fascinated me.
and now, here at this exact instant of my life, i'm at the center of a vortex. I'm watching things and people and events and time and happiness and sadness and love and confusion and concern and self-doubt and regularity and harmony and balance and disharmony and chaos swirl all around me until they have become a blur of entropy, with one concept losing distinction because it's become blended with the one adjacent.
and yet, i remain.
my dad tells me to "stick with it. make it work."
other friends from all over the country are telling me to "kick yourself in the ass and get it going."
one friend suggests therapy.
one friend wants me to move away and escape from the confusion, the insanely-coloured swirl of the vortex altogether.
my siblings, (gods! how i love them!) have offered nothing but loving support.
Mom and Dad sent a hundred bucks with my birthday card. It was a most difficult gift to receive, as i'm not in the habit of taking gifts from those who can ill-afford it; especially those who i love more than i can adequately say. In the end, it was difficult to buy things mundane like three-dollar-plus gasoline with it, but the Universe works oddly: i lost the remainder, probably when cleaning garbage out of the car. I'm hoping the Taco Bell employee found it in the trash and was able to do something nice with what remained. :)
i have yet to hear "see, i told you so, you shouldn't have moved five states away from everything you know and love and care about for an uncertain life with this girl and her son..." from anyone other than the dark, accusing, cynical self-doubt monster that dwells within my Self.
it ain't always easy being a Zen-Respecting, Circular-Thinking, Logic-Adoring Secular Humanist. Just ask the vortex swirling around the pile of leaves if it cares what i think. It doesn't. It just is.
and yet, I remain.
Today, TFG arrives with a fresh box and the magical water filter contained within. Nice work. I'm not quite sure what the attached digital meter/readout is, or what it measures, but it's there. we have a digitally enhanced water filter.
Today i found a huge pile of leaves outside our door. In my not-quite-understanding-what's-happening-around-me haze, i imagined that someone had put them there. but why? what would the advantage be? i could step over it, around it... as other leaves are swirling around it... and then, as i struggle to light the day's first smoke against the cold wind circling inside our carport... of course. the wind blew them there. the leaves are at the center of a vortex of wind. and now there's a pile of them. I quickly resolved to re-read more Dirk Gently at my next available opportunity.
things at the center of a naturally occuring vortex. not a new idea, but it has stuck with me all day today. the pile of leaves, mostly undisturbed, while the wind whistles around them, adding a few here and there to the outside of the pile. the greatest concentration of stars isn't at the outside of the galaxy, it's at the center. Hurricane winds diminish at the center of the storm, to the point of complete stillness, while you can see the sky above the wallclouds. poop doesn't fly around the outside of the swirling water in the toilet, it aims towards the center. the swirling of a spiral. it's always fascinated me.
and now, here at this exact instant of my life, i'm at the center of a vortex. I'm watching things and people and events and time and happiness and sadness and love and confusion and concern and self-doubt and regularity and harmony and balance and disharmony and chaos swirl all around me until they have become a blur of entropy, with one concept losing distinction because it's become blended with the one adjacent.
and yet, i remain.
my dad tells me to "stick with it. make it work."
other friends from all over the country are telling me to "kick yourself in the ass and get it going."
one friend suggests therapy.
one friend wants me to move away and escape from the confusion, the insanely-coloured swirl of the vortex altogether.
my siblings, (gods! how i love them!) have offered nothing but loving support.
Mom and Dad sent a hundred bucks with my birthday card. It was a most difficult gift to receive, as i'm not in the habit of taking gifts from those who can ill-afford it; especially those who i love more than i can adequately say. In the end, it was difficult to buy things mundane like three-dollar-plus gasoline with it, but the Universe works oddly: i lost the remainder, probably when cleaning garbage out of the car. I'm hoping the Taco Bell employee found it in the trash and was able to do something nice with what remained. :)
i have yet to hear "see, i told you so, you shouldn't have moved five states away from everything you know and love and care about for an uncertain life with this girl and her son..." from anyone other than the dark, accusing, cynical self-doubt monster that dwells within my Self.
it ain't always easy being a Zen-Respecting, Circular-Thinking, Logic-Adoring Secular Humanist. Just ask the vortex swirling around the pile of leaves if it cares what i think. It doesn't. It just is.
and yet, I remain.
10 November 2007
See ya, fellas.
today at around noon or so, the boys across the street went to meet their maker, via what sounded like a high-powered rifle. a pickup towing a mobile butchershop trailer, and their intrepid pilots made short work of the boys; it was less than fifteen minutes from the time i heard the shots fired to the time the trailer pulled out of the lot with twelve quarters of beef.
i'm glad they weren't hauled away to a slaughterhouse with chutes, stress, confusion, and pain.
i'm happy that there were only three shots to take out three giant animals.
i'm happy that the last space they had was their big, green, wide open field, and they went out together.
it looks like they do things a bit differently out here on the west coast. i'm glad.
it looks like they do things a bit differently out here on the west coast. i'm glad.
08 November 2007
wish in one hand...
i think i'd have fun working in a little two or three person PC repair shop, like the one i went to last week.
i think it would be fun diagnosing and solving people's busted 'puter issues. this is an area that i really excelled in at school, and i couldn't wait for the professors to reveal stuff that i didn't know yet about how to improve one's computing experience through the joy of functioning interconnected machinery. i'm really geeky like that.
the thought process goes something like this: X doesn't work. ask self zillions of if/than questions. reconfigure machined components. repeat. run diagnosis software. analyze. repeat. X works.
i think i would have fun not driving ninety miles every day for work.
i like squeezing every snippit of performance out of machines, even those that are a little old and beat-up. TFG's old computer works pretty well these days. wish mine did. i'll fix it when the new motherboard arrives.
working in the box monitoring three different tv stations has kind of sucked the love out of working in live TV production. i'm just not so enthusiastic about it any more. i think i liked working with people, having a small crew working with and for me, and working with robots and line commands and a wall full of flatscreen monitors doesn't come close.
there. i've said it.
note to universe: the place is called A Better Computer and it's on Circle Avenue in Corvallis, Oregon, USA. there's one guy who works there/owns the joint. send him an idea that he could use a little help, and then i'll go in there and let my charm do the rest.
i think it would be fun diagnosing and solving people's busted 'puter issues. this is an area that i really excelled in at school, and i couldn't wait for the professors to reveal stuff that i didn't know yet about how to improve one's computing experience through the joy of functioning interconnected machinery. i'm really geeky like that.
the thought process goes something like this: X doesn't work. ask self zillions of if/than questions. reconfigure machined components. repeat. run diagnosis software. analyze. repeat. X works.
i think i would have fun not driving ninety miles every day for work.
i like squeezing every snippit of performance out of machines, even those that are a little old and beat-up. TFG's old computer works pretty well these days. wish mine did. i'll fix it when the new motherboard arrives.
working in the box monitoring three different tv stations has kind of sucked the love out of working in live TV production. i'm just not so enthusiastic about it any more. i think i liked working with people, having a small crew working with and for me, and working with robots and line commands and a wall full of flatscreen monitors doesn't come close.
there. i've said it.
note to universe: the place is called A Better Computer and it's on Circle Avenue in Corvallis, Oregon, USA. there's one guy who works there/owns the joint. send him an idea that he could use a little help, and then i'll go in there and let my charm do the rest.
07 November 2007
Late Night tuesday, in the box.
My personal lexicon doesn't attach the following to the word "spirituality".
I guess i'd call it naturally evolving humanity... instead of scraping up the ladder to get to the proverbial Eternal Garden Party, one can instead achieve a higher aim: serve others through evolved common-sense by waking the awareness of the feelings of altruism that occur naturally within all of us.
I believe there is an important distinction to be made between religion and spirituality. Religion I take to be concerned with belief in the claims to salvation of one faith tradition or another--an aspect of which is acceptance of some form of meta-physical or philosophical reality, including perhaps an idea of heaven or hell. Connected with this are religious teachings or dogma, ritual, prayers and so on. Spirituality I take to be concerned with those qualities of the human spirit--such as love and compassion, patience, tolerance, forgiveness, contentment, a sense of responsibility, a sense of harmony, which bring happiness to both self and others.
-His Holiness the Dalai Lama
unrelated snippets follow.
Tonight was the first election i've been in the proximity to vote in, and i didn't. mostly because of laziness (unwilling to do the research to develop an opinion on "new" local matters to me). i kind of feel like i need a political shower to wash away the amazing amount of ads i've absorbed here in the box.
Dense fog in the valley for the next 16 hours or so... not looking forward to the commute tonight :( tonight we ran a story from national that's predicting four dollar gasoline. fuck it. if it goes up by more percentage points, i'm going to get a nice job in corvallis... far, far away from the TV business entirely. which, at this point, would suit me just fine.
from the partnerships list, authored by someone who has clearly evolved beyond that which we routinely encounter in our daily lives:
It is my opinion that when two people have been together for any length of time, you learn to read your partner. You learn to expect certain behaviors, your image of your partner becomes routine. What I mean is that you have become close enough to this person that you stop seeing them as an individual and more as a concept. I would suggest that you step back and allow him to define who he is to you all over again.
-Dennis Montoya
comfort food for my brain tonight:
"He stood up straight and looked the world squarely in the fields and hills. To add weight to his words he stuck the rabbit bone in his beard. He spread his arms out wide.
'I will go mad!' he announced."
-Douglas Adams, Life, the Universe, and Everything
Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane.
-Phillip K. Dick
I guess i'd call it naturally evolving humanity... instead of scraping up the ladder to get to the proverbial Eternal Garden Party, one can instead achieve a higher aim: serve others through evolved common-sense by waking the awareness of the feelings of altruism that occur naturally within all of us.
I believe there is an important distinction to be made between religion and spirituality. Religion I take to be concerned with belief in the claims to salvation of one faith tradition or another--an aspect of which is acceptance of some form of meta-physical or philosophical reality, including perhaps an idea of heaven or hell. Connected with this are religious teachings or dogma, ritual, prayers and so on. Spirituality I take to be concerned with those qualities of the human spirit--such as love and compassion, patience, tolerance, forgiveness, contentment, a sense of responsibility, a sense of harmony, which bring happiness to both self and others.
-His Holiness the Dalai Lama
unrelated snippets follow.
Tonight was the first election i've been in the proximity to vote in, and i didn't. mostly because of laziness (unwilling to do the research to develop an opinion on "new" local matters to me). i kind of feel like i need a political shower to wash away the amazing amount of ads i've absorbed here in the box.
Dense fog in the valley for the next 16 hours or so... not looking forward to the commute tonight :( tonight we ran a story from national that's predicting four dollar gasoline. fuck it. if it goes up by more percentage points, i'm going to get a nice job in corvallis... far, far away from the TV business entirely. which, at this point, would suit me just fine.
from the partnerships list, authored by someone who has clearly evolved beyond that which we routinely encounter in our daily lives:
It is my opinion that when two people have been together for any length of time, you learn to read your partner. You learn to expect certain behaviors, your image of your partner becomes routine. What I mean is that you have become close enough to this person that you stop seeing them as an individual and more as a concept. I would suggest that you step back and allow him to define who he is to you all over again.
-Dennis Montoya
comfort food for my brain tonight:
"He stood up straight and looked the world squarely in the fields and hills. To add weight to his words he stuck the rabbit bone in his beard. He spread his arms out wide.
'I will go mad!' he announced."
-Douglas Adams, Life, the Universe, and Everything
Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane.
-Phillip K. Dick
06 November 2007
my first unschooling conference. or non-conference.
my top ten moments, in a not-so-carefully selected order of importance:
10. unconsciously kissing TFG in front of a room full of people, to a response of applause and "Awwww!!!" and becoming instantly red-faced.
9. quietly discussing the random need to get the hell away from the Loud! Happy! Loud! Happy! with a dear, new friend. she's in the same camp with me. thanks, Abbi. when i go to another conference, i'm seeking you out and following you to somewhere quiet.
8. finding some quiet time on the beach with Hannah. we've spent quite a bit of time together lately, it seems.
7. the obnoxiously beautiful 70 minute drive on Highway 34 through the national forest. the Highway 20 drive to the coast is beautiful, but it's nothing compared to 34. whoa.
6. Introducing my good friend Jack Lazer to a table full of people from all over the country. my new friends: Craig. Gillian. your children are beautiful. i cannot wait to visit you in your zone. wait until you hear some of the music we're going to make in the new year.
5. explaining the extremely limited fundamentals of Unschooling to Jack, as i understand them: "you know, a kid's only got one chance to really be a kid. why shit all over them with a regiment of school?" -and then seeing the recent college grad nod in instant understanding while he mulled it over.
4. Getting drunk at Squirrel's with Donna while a really interesting, fun band lays down the law.
3. not having any fear when i explained to Mary why i had gone to Portland. Thanks, Phil. you're the man.
2. Explaining the two most important words in French that i know to Kyra, after writing them on her new A.S. tour shirt, and seeing the look in her eyes after i translated them for her.
1. being brought to tears (yes, me. and yes, really) by the subject of the song "Grieve", and in the context in which it was delivered: Holding hands with TFG at the custom-designed, intimacy-overloaded Amy Steinberg show at Sunnyside Up.
none of these people asked questions when i needed to disappear. for that, i thank you.
10. unconsciously kissing TFG in front of a room full of people, to a response of applause and "Awwww!!!" and becoming instantly red-faced.
9. quietly discussing the random need to get the hell away from the Loud! Happy! Loud! Happy! with a dear, new friend. she's in the same camp with me. thanks, Abbi. when i go to another conference, i'm seeking you out and following you to somewhere quiet.
8. finding some quiet time on the beach with Hannah. we've spent quite a bit of time together lately, it seems.
7. the obnoxiously beautiful 70 minute drive on Highway 34 through the national forest. the Highway 20 drive to the coast is beautiful, but it's nothing compared to 34. whoa.
6. Introducing my good friend Jack Lazer to a table full of people from all over the country. my new friends: Craig. Gillian. your children are beautiful. i cannot wait to visit you in your zone. wait until you hear some of the music we're going to make in the new year.
5. explaining the extremely limited fundamentals of Unschooling to Jack, as i understand them: "you know, a kid's only got one chance to really be a kid. why shit all over them with a regiment of school?" -and then seeing the recent college grad nod in instant understanding while he mulled it over.
4. Getting drunk at Squirrel's with Donna while a really interesting, fun band lays down the law.
3. not having any fear when i explained to Mary why i had gone to Portland. Thanks, Phil. you're the man.
2. Explaining the two most important words in French that i know to Kyra, after writing them on her new A.S. tour shirt, and seeing the look in her eyes after i translated them for her.
1. being brought to tears (yes, me. and yes, really) by the subject of the song "Grieve", and in the context in which it was delivered: Holding hands with TFG at the custom-designed, intimacy-overloaded Amy Steinberg show at Sunnyside Up.
none of these people asked questions when i needed to disappear. for that, i thank you.
05 November 2007
and, for the technical leaners:
a tech meltdown.
i have a 32-bit windows box at home, which i've built and rebuilt over the years. i've chosen and replaced multiple motherboards, processors, power supplies and video cards as software demands have made my components obsolete. <-- this is the reason i reeeeeally dislike those who develop code in an unreasonable, irresponsible fashion: they are requiring you to upgrade your perfectly functional computer simply in order to make their software run better. jerks!
a routine mainboard driver upgrade has had a catastrophic domino effect. first, i "lost" my RAID controller (the tiny little splot of onboard software that lets your hard drives talk back and forth to your motherboard). to replace it, i needed to have the correct driver on a floppy. reboot the system and reconfigure. easy.
except the driver is on a flash drive. it needs to be on a floppy. the only available floppy was in the machine that failed. okay. we'll fire up TFG's old PC, and drag/drop the files onto the floppy. gong. disk format error. okay, maybe her A-Drive isn't working properly. i'll switch it out with the A-Drive in my machine, which i know works. Gong. same error. disk cannot be formatted/is write protected. which it isn't. the disk is new, picked up at a wonderful little PC shop in Corvallis.
sheesh.
i reset the CMOS (onboard blip of memory which contains the Basic Input/Output System) by moving a jumper from one position to the other, removing the motherboard battery to allow for dissapation of current, and resetting it. reboot. the computer now won't Post (initial startup procedure, prior to the OS boot). i can't get into the BIOS at all. the POSTcard (diagnosis card attached to the motherboard) indicates a processor failure. which i know it isn't. the processor works fine.
end result of an innocous driver upgrade? my motherboard is bricked. eighty-sixed. toast. shelled. modern art.
and now, i'm faced with replacing an already obsolete form-factor motherboard. my memory is good. top of the line. my processor is good. top of the line in its day (it's still drawing $175+ on pricewatch.com) my hard drives are next-generation SATA drives. my power supply and video card are less than six months old (the result of purchasing a game and being unable to play it).
so. i can buy a new motherboard for an obsolete form factor (ATX) and squeeze life out of the whole setup. play games for a couple more years, and surf the web and non-intensive work (photoshop, audio work) indefinetely. or, i can do a month of research on current form factors and their compatibility issues, shell out a couple thousand on entirely new components to "future-proof" the box. *as if there really were such a thing*
specs follow for the current setup, and a comparison for upgrading.
current box:
MSI K7N2 Delta ISLR mainboard (@FSB 400MhZ)
AMD Athlon XP 3000+ @2.167 GhZ w/copper heat dissapation
1G Corsair XMS dual-channel RAM (CAS pre/recharge timings 2-2-2-6)
Nvidia 7600 GS 512MB AGP (8X) Videoboard
Western Digital and Seagate SATA hard drives
Thermaltake 520W power supply
half dozen "quiet" cooling fans, cables, screws, et cetera
WinXP Pro
Cost at purchase/build: +/- $1100
cost to fix: +/- $60, plus downtime and geek aggrivation
upgrade-to-64bit-computing-box:
http://arstechnica.com/guides/buyer/guide-200708.ars/3
cost, minus stuff that will cross over to the new box (case, monitor, hard drives, dvd writer)
$800, with Linux Redhat Operating System: $0
cost of a new macintosh desktop, with components equal to or lesser than the above box:
$2500 plus consulting fees.
note: instantly-irritating, self-gratifying *i paid three times as much for the same gear that you did, except i have a nifty monochrome Operating System* territorial pissings come free with anything apple. blech.
maybe i'll read a book instead.
i have a 32-bit windows box at home, which i've built and rebuilt over the years. i've chosen and replaced multiple motherboards, processors, power supplies and video cards as software demands have made my components obsolete. <-- this is the reason i reeeeeally dislike those who develop code in an unreasonable, irresponsible fashion: they are requiring you to upgrade your perfectly functional computer simply in order to make their software run better. jerks!
a routine mainboard driver upgrade has had a catastrophic domino effect. first, i "lost" my RAID controller (the tiny little splot of onboard software that lets your hard drives talk back and forth to your motherboard). to replace it, i needed to have the correct driver on a floppy. reboot the system and reconfigure. easy.
except the driver is on a flash drive. it needs to be on a floppy. the only available floppy was in the machine that failed. okay. we'll fire up TFG's old PC, and drag/drop the files onto the floppy. gong. disk format error. okay, maybe her A-Drive isn't working properly. i'll switch it out with the A-Drive in my machine, which i know works. Gong. same error. disk cannot be formatted/is write protected. which it isn't. the disk is new, picked up at a wonderful little PC shop in Corvallis.
sheesh.
i reset the CMOS (onboard blip of memory which contains the Basic Input/Output System) by moving a jumper from one position to the other, removing the motherboard battery to allow for dissapation of current, and resetting it. reboot. the computer now won't Post (initial startup procedure, prior to the OS boot). i can't get into the BIOS at all. the POSTcard (diagnosis card attached to the motherboard) indicates a processor failure. which i know it isn't. the processor works fine.
end result of an innocous driver upgrade? my motherboard is bricked. eighty-sixed. toast. shelled. modern art.
and now, i'm faced with replacing an already obsolete form-factor motherboard. my memory is good. top of the line. my processor is good. top of the line in its day (it's still drawing $175+ on pricewatch.com) my hard drives are next-generation SATA drives. my power supply and video card are less than six months old (the result of purchasing a game and being unable to play it).
so. i can buy a new motherboard for an obsolete form factor (ATX) and squeeze life out of the whole setup. play games for a couple more years, and surf the web and non-intensive work (photoshop, audio work) indefinetely. or, i can do a month of research on current form factors and their compatibility issues, shell out a couple thousand on entirely new components to "future-proof" the box. *as if there really were such a thing*
specs follow for the current setup, and a comparison for upgrading.
current box:
MSI K7N2 Delta ISLR mainboard (@FSB 400MhZ)
AMD Athlon XP 3000+ @2.167 GhZ w/copper heat dissapation
1G Corsair XMS dual-channel RAM (CAS pre/recharge timings 2-2-2-6)
Nvidia 7600 GS 512MB AGP (8X) Videoboard
Western Digital and Seagate SATA hard drives
Thermaltake 520W power supply
half dozen "quiet" cooling fans, cables, screws, et cetera
WinXP Pro
Cost at purchase/build: +/- $1100
cost to fix: +/- $60, plus downtime and geek aggrivation
upgrade-to-64bit-computing-box:
http://arstechnica.com/guides/buyer/guide-200708.ars/3
cost, minus stuff that will cross over to the new box (case, monitor, hard drives, dvd writer)
$800, with Linux Redhat Operating System: $0
cost of a new macintosh desktop, with components equal to or lesser than the above box:
$2500 plus consulting fees.
note: instantly-irritating, self-gratifying *i paid three times as much for the same gear that you did, except i have a nifty monochrome Operating System* territorial pissings come free with anything apple. blech.
maybe i'll read a book instead.
01 November 2007
cleaning out my inbox.
i'm not spiritual by nature. i suppose it may have to do with... ah, who knows. anyway, i really appreciate the buddhists and how serious they are. they're mostly badass in mostly everything that i quantify. discipline. disattached. disarmed. i imagine one doesn't really need to be spiritual to appreciate the view from their eyes.
It is critical to serve others, to contribute actively to others' well-being. I often tell practitioners that they should adopt the following principle: regarding one's own personal needs, there should be as little involvement or obligation as possible. But regarding service to others, there should be as many possible involvements and obligations as possible. This should be the ideal of a spiritual person.
-His Holiness the Dalai Lama
If we single-pointedly practice great compassion, then, with little effort, we will be able to gain all other virtues.
-Geshe Namgyal Wangchen, "Awakening the Mind"
If we can reach the understanding of what we actually are, there is no better remedy for eliminating all suffering. This is the heart of all spiritual practices.
-Kalu Rinpoche, "Luminous Mind"
For there is suffering, but none who suffers; Doing exists although there is no doer; Extinction is but no extinguished person; Although there is a path, there is no goer.
-Buddhaghosa; Visuddhimagga 513
Every reality is eternal, every essence is as is: just don't seek outwardly. If you have a great root of faith, the buddhas are just states of your own experience; whether you are walking, standing, sitting, or lying down, never is it not this.
-Hsuan-sha
Everywhere, truly,those of integrity stand apart. They, the good, don't chatter in hopes of favor or gains. When touched now by pleasure, now pain, the wise give no sign of high or low.
-Dhammapada, 6
Our first priority should be to prepare a long-term strategy for improving the state of the world that focuses on the coming generations.
-His Holiness the Dalai Lama
Friends, I know nothing which is as tractable as a tamed heart. The tamed heart is indeed tractable.Friends I know nothing which tends toward loss as does an untamed heart. Indeed, the untamed heart tends toward loss.
-from the Anguttara Nikaya
Flow with whatever may happenand let your mind be free; Stay centered by accepting whatever you are doing. This is the ultimate.
-Chuang Tsu
I'm not sure who this guy was, but i'm guessing that he was pretty much a ninja in anything he did.
Fleeting is this world
Growth and decay its very nature
Things spring to being and again they cease
Happy the marvel of them and the peace.
-Nidana Vagga
and my new favorite:
Do not underestimate your ability.
-Geshe Chekawa
for being militantly non-spiritual, this stuff kicks me in the ass.
It is critical to serve others, to contribute actively to others' well-being. I often tell practitioners that they should adopt the following principle: regarding one's own personal needs, there should be as little involvement or obligation as possible. But regarding service to others, there should be as many possible involvements and obligations as possible. This should be the ideal of a spiritual person.
-His Holiness the Dalai Lama
If we single-pointedly practice great compassion, then, with little effort, we will be able to gain all other virtues.
-Geshe Namgyal Wangchen, "Awakening the Mind"
If we can reach the understanding of what we actually are, there is no better remedy for eliminating all suffering. This is the heart of all spiritual practices.
-Kalu Rinpoche, "Luminous Mind"
For there is suffering, but none who suffers; Doing exists although there is no doer; Extinction is but no extinguished person; Although there is a path, there is no goer.
-Buddhaghosa; Visuddhimagga 513
Every reality is eternal, every essence is as is: just don't seek outwardly. If you have a great root of faith, the buddhas are just states of your own experience; whether you are walking, standing, sitting, or lying down, never is it not this.
-Hsuan-sha
Everywhere, truly,those of integrity stand apart. They, the good, don't chatter in hopes of favor or gains. When touched now by pleasure, now pain, the wise give no sign of high or low.
-Dhammapada, 6
Our first priority should be to prepare a long-term strategy for improving the state of the world that focuses on the coming generations.
-His Holiness the Dalai Lama
Friends, I know nothing which is as tractable as a tamed heart. The tamed heart is indeed tractable.Friends I know nothing which tends toward loss as does an untamed heart. Indeed, the untamed heart tends toward loss.
-from the Anguttara Nikaya
Flow with whatever may happenand let your mind be free; Stay centered by accepting whatever you are doing. This is the ultimate.
-Chuang Tsu
I'm not sure who this guy was, but i'm guessing that he was pretty much a ninja in anything he did.
Fleeting is this world
Growth and decay its very nature
Things spring to being and again they cease
Happy the marvel of them and the peace.
-Nidana Vagga
and my new favorite:
Do not underestimate your ability.
-Geshe Chekawa
for being militantly non-spiritual, this stuff kicks me in the ass.
happy halloween, y'all !
what a great day! spooks! wierdos! an eight-month old dressed up in a puffy shark outfit!
corvallis came alive for the kids, teens, hell - people - who are lucky enough to have been here. the downtown merchants were giving out candy to the kids in droves.
it's pretty cool living in a place that gives back to the community rather than exclusively taking from them. i'll post some photographs later...
corvallis came alive for the kids, teens, hell - people - who are lucky enough to have been here. the downtown merchants were giving out candy to the kids in droves.
it's pretty cool living in a place that gives back to the community rather than exclusively taking from them. i'll post some photographs later...
The Peaceful Parterships discussion group
thank you, whoever you people are. how exactly do you come up with the daily amazingness you have, and share? it doesn't matter. i'm happy you're here. and i'm happy that i'm probably not entirely insane, as measured by typical standards.
little snippits of raw, undiluted wisdom follow, guerilla clipped without permission from random conversations. if you please, don't read anything into this, dear reader. disclaimer: while my communication *read: active listening* skills ain't been so great lately, and our relationship (like every relationship, i imagine, at least all of mine have) has valleys and peaks, there are tools like this to help me. and don't take anything personally. this is merely something i read that makes me feel good, when i see people working through the issues that occur in their daily lives. this is good karma, in the infinite sense. helping others.
"All I know is that I could come up with plenty of reasons to be dissatisfied with my husband. He's not perfect after all! What it comes down to is whether I want to be with him or not. And I do, so I no longer argue with reality and ask/expect him to be the person I want him to be. And amazingly, without all the negative thoughts controlling my brain, I am finding that he already is exactly who I want him to be--himself. The man I fell in love with."
"I realize we RU parents/partners have a choice. We can share the tools that make up unschooling with our partners as we have with our children, or we can withhold them until our partner does what we want him/her to do to *satisfy* us. A good start can be asking our partner what would satisfy him/her? Then listening to the answer -- lovingly, patiently. Is it really fair to expect them to hear us and comply, if we're not willing to do the same?"
"This is where I used to get stuck. Until quite recently, I believed the thoughts in my head that told me that my husband's behavior was responsible for my happiness. I am finding now that I am responsible for my own happiness and that it isn't as hard as I feared it would be to find it."
"Being genuine with our partners is difficult sometimes. But I am not surethat hiding our feelings or thoughts is an effective way to a peacefulpartnership. You don't have to make a big speech, but letting her know what your passions are and where your heart is on matters is a core aspect oftrust. You seem to not be feeling as if you can trust her response becauseof the tension happening between you. However, when we are not honest withour partners, that sets up a wedge. The wedge ruins the ability for the relationship to flow."
"When my dh and I "discuss" issues, it often takes him several seconds (seems like minutes in the moment) to formulate a response. I on the other hand KNOW what I'm going to say, immediately. In the past i would read this disconnect, or rather difference in response method, as hurtful. Like his mind had wandered during our discussion, or the issue wasn't important to him. The reality is HE needs his time to get his response together so that he says EXACTLY what he wants to say."
what the hell! are these people super-geniuses?
whoever they are, they blow my mind. thanks to you, whoever you are.
little snippits of raw, undiluted wisdom follow, guerilla clipped without permission from random conversations. if you please, don't read anything into this, dear reader. disclaimer: while my communication *read: active listening* skills ain't been so great lately, and our relationship (like every relationship, i imagine, at least all of mine have) has valleys and peaks, there are tools like this to help me. and don't take anything personally. this is merely something i read that makes me feel good, when i see people working through the issues that occur in their daily lives. this is good karma, in the infinite sense. helping others.
"All I know is that I could come up with plenty of reasons to be dissatisfied with my husband. He's not perfect after all! What it comes down to is whether I want to be with him or not. And I do, so I no longer argue with reality and ask/expect him to be the person I want him to be. And amazingly, without all the negative thoughts controlling my brain, I am finding that he already is exactly who I want him to be--himself. The man I fell in love with."
"I realize we RU parents/partners have a choice. We can share the tools that make up unschooling with our partners as we have with our children, or we can withhold them until our partner does what we want him/her to do to *satisfy* us. A good start can be asking our partner what would satisfy him/her? Then listening to the answer -- lovingly, patiently. Is it really fair to expect them to hear us and comply, if we're not willing to do the same?"
"This is where I used to get stuck. Until quite recently, I believed the thoughts in my head that told me that my husband's behavior was responsible for my happiness. I am finding now that I am responsible for my own happiness and that it isn't as hard as I feared it would be to find it."
"Being genuine with our partners is difficult sometimes. But I am not surethat hiding our feelings or thoughts is an effective way to a peacefulpartnership. You don't have to make a big speech, but letting her know what your passions are and where your heart is on matters is a core aspect oftrust. You seem to not be feeling as if you can trust her response becauseof the tension happening between you. However, when we are not honest withour partners, that sets up a wedge. The wedge ruins the ability for the relationship to flow."
"When my dh and I "discuss" issues, it often takes him several seconds (seems like minutes in the moment) to formulate a response. I on the other hand KNOW what I'm going to say, immediately. In the past i would read this disconnect, or rather difference in response method, as hurtful. Like his mind had wandered during our discussion, or the issue wasn't important to him. The reality is HE needs his time to get his response together so that he says EXACTLY what he wants to say."
what the hell! are these people super-geniuses?
whoever they are, they blow my mind. thanks to you, whoever you are.
30 October 2007
here's your test results, mr. peterson.
a line i really hated hearing from my public school/university professors. i was always concerned with how much red there would be on the paper. and there was usually more than i imagined there would be.the algebra professor would click his red sharpie in a gratiuitious manner, and smile a tooth-filled-smile at the class. as a class full of non-traditional students, we'd seen worse than whatever this space cowboy could dish out.
the writing professor would send calm, margin-sized comments on papers concerning run-on sentences and improper syntax. and then she'd grade you on your effort, not as much on your performance.
the lit teacher in high school who would privately chew me out for "choosing the wrong friends" (the skater kids) while he would not-so-surrepticiously hit on said skater boys.
and now. on a parenting advice forum, i get the same red marks. apparently, i'm a terrible father figure because i don't set boundaries. i'm not following the traditional male family role model, apparently. good. this is by design. i'm pretty sure the model involves (literally? figuratively?) dragging kills into the cave and beating one's family into emotional and physical submission.
"I suggest you start setting up some boundaries now before it gets completely out of control later on. You and your partner need to sit down and figure out what your own personal boundaries are, then teach that to your child. How is a child going to learn about boundaries if you don’t have any?"
i choose compassion. and understanding. ever the struggle to evolve, i choose to abandon a typical archetype in that the family father should rule by default, silent until provoked into violence, through word, thought, or deed. it was a simple choice for me. i choose to use my mind instead of angry reaction. still sometimes, this isn't enough for some people. or alternately, it's too much. maybe some parents are so instilled in their own painful upbringing that they continue simply because it's their turn to say "because i said so!" with a sharp swat.
uh, yeah. i hope my beloved english professor (how i miss you, mrs. blackford) will never have to endure the upcoming paragraph:
so, we live in a no-boundary free-form household. and it's fun. and it's annoying. and it's exhilirating. and exhausting. sometimes it smells like dirty socks. sometimes it smells like candles and incense. sometimes it smells like baked lasagna. sometimes it's filthy, with candy wrappers stuck to the floor. sometimes, it's clean, like the scent of fresh dishes out of the machine. sometimes the wrong item goes through the dryer. most of the time the -right- items go through the dryer. there's some questions. and some answers. some cohesive, some not. sometimes i accept the open rejection. sometimes i reject the open acceptance. sometimes it seems like it really is working. sometimes it seems like it really isn't. sometimes there is stability. sometimes there isn't. sometimes it drives me fucking crazy. sometimes i'm so in love i'm a total dork, all the way down. sometimes i miss my batchellor life. most of the time i don't. sometimes i wish i could truly speak openly to TFG, when most of the time i can't. and now, the house is about to be filled to the teeth with people, with loud happy jabbering, loud happy conversations, loud happy loud happy loud happy loud happy ad infinitum.
...and i'll squirm with uncomfortability. i'll greet the few that i have come to adore, smile, and then probably find quick excuses leave often, with little notice in passing from the crowd of loud happy loud happy loud happy loud happy loud happy ad infinitum. who am i to voice my uncomfortability with the close proximity of a sea of faces, some new old friends, some new new friends?
"where is my out in this situation?"
"you don't have one." *wink*
ah yes. still- i'm a person. with feelings. and strengths. and weaknesses. know thyself.
i have knowledge. i am learning. friday i received a formal write-up from both my new boss and my new girlfriend on the same day... and i started to wonder if i really had made a giant mistake with my life. the universe really does seem to save up for the day that it slings the shit at the fan that's pointing at you.
often to my own detriment, i have an instinctual need to put others first. for some unknowable reason, it's a continuing mantra for me. care about how others feel, especially those close to you. dote on them. ask them about their day. concern yourself with their lives. hope for the best for them. show them, through action and verse, that they matter to you. over the years i've learned that a lot of folks love to have an outlet to bitch, and will certainly honor you if you offer that service- but rarely will they return the favor. and that's too bad, really. one can learn bunches about yourself and your own internal mirror if you take the time to closely listen to those who could use a good rant. (watch them, after they've had this opportunity. watch the stress leave them, dissapated.)
when you concern yourself so much with the feelings and hopes and ideas of others, you can really lose track of ...you. i had always imagined that a family dynamic wouldn't dilute one's personal solution, rather simply mix it in with equal parts of other solutions. so, here's to me. the non-boundary setting failure of a father figure. the sock-flinging, overwhelming love partner. the gross mismanager of playlists. the worrier. the planner. the thinker. the person. the human.
and, here's to patience *lifts glass*. here's to building a background grid through which one can better understand the infinite chaos that is the universe, from the galactic level to the familial level.
and here's to you, dear reader, for listening without judgement as i pre-empt your permission to allow me to bitch for a while. thank you.
23 October 2007
the gift of peace and security, wrapped in chaos
am i the luckiest thirty-something lefse-influenced newly-installed-to-the-Valley post-angst Gen X overthinker on the planet? i'm beginning to believe so. take the events of a few hours in my today, for instance. for clarity, i'll provide the play-by-play in a screen script format, to give the narrator more voice.
*begin scene*
Subject S huddles over the glow of a tablet computer in the far corner of the house he's just moved into. S is worried, as per usual. Today's flavor of worry isn't a new one, but the subgenus species is. it's car insurance. S's policy expires today, and after doing some research online, has chosen a company and policy which best suits the needs for himself and his new family. normally, S wouldn't devote so much emotion to a need as mundane as vehicle insurance, when other bills are further behind. the caveat is that since the car is financed, the insurance isn't optional, even to operate outside of the law. the car must be insured. and S is out of options, and money.
The love of S's life, TFG, wanders out of the bathroom, wrapped in a towel, damp, and trailing the finest ambient perfume shop scent imaginable behind her as she moves. her long, violently red hair is wet. she's as sexy as hell on a stick, and her being momentarily unaware of her sexy quotient only makes her that more desirable. unfortunately, S barely notices. he lamely inquires about availablilty of funds in a long-unused online account.
S: Hey. is there anything left in your paypal account? this insurance company accepts paypal.
TFG: nope.
S: okay. It's just that i think the old policy expires today. and we'll really screw over Alex if we can't insure the snarfler.
TFG peruses the screen, and steps up to leave the room. with a headache looming, S follows her. TFG pulls out a bank card out of her wallet.
TFG: here ya go. i'll cover the insurance until we can figure everything else out. we can pay the bill when we've got more money.
TFG wanders into the far bedroom and finalizes the insurance purchase with a moment at the screen. S realizes the cosmic erasure of worry that lives with him in his new home. it is her. she is the eraser. S catches a glimpse of something amazing. not outwardly, but inward. the fear has been banished by courage, and a touch of real-world crisis solution in action has unfolded in front of him. he's just seen an offhand display of trust and love. and instantaneous problem solving.
Later. S is goofing off in the driveway with TFG's son, TBB. TFG pulls up in the family van, and kills the engine. She, the eraser of worry, has arrived home from work early. laden with library books, animal welfare literature for TBB, she slings a pizza from the local NY pizza joint.
S slaps himself in the head. his realization -that this amazing person, this, the girl he loves, this beautiful woman who has chosen him to share her life with, this singular individual who is always mindful of the needs of her family- hits him months too late.
S drives 45 minutes to work a short time later. with the gift accompanying him.
*end scene*
the perfect gift for a worried pragmatist. a gift of serenity. of security. a gift of a lesson learned.
how odd, the universe, and the incomprehensible workings thereof.
thank you. for the whole damn thing. i'm loving it.
*begin scene*
Subject S huddles over the glow of a tablet computer in the far corner of the house he's just moved into. S is worried, as per usual. Today's flavor of worry isn't a new one, but the subgenus species is. it's car insurance. S's policy expires today, and after doing some research online, has chosen a company and policy which best suits the needs for himself and his new family. normally, S wouldn't devote so much emotion to a need as mundane as vehicle insurance, when other bills are further behind. the caveat is that since the car is financed, the insurance isn't optional, even to operate outside of the law. the car must be insured. and S is out of options, and money.
The love of S's life, TFG, wanders out of the bathroom, wrapped in a towel, damp, and trailing the finest ambient perfume shop scent imaginable behind her as she moves. her long, violently red hair is wet. she's as sexy as hell on a stick, and her being momentarily unaware of her sexy quotient only makes her that more desirable. unfortunately, S barely notices. he lamely inquires about availablilty of funds in a long-unused online account.
S: Hey. is there anything left in your paypal account? this insurance company accepts paypal.
TFG: nope.
S: okay. It's just that i think the old policy expires today. and we'll really screw over Alex if we can't insure the snarfler.
TFG peruses the screen, and steps up to leave the room. with a headache looming, S follows her. TFG pulls out a bank card out of her wallet.
TFG: here ya go. i'll cover the insurance until we can figure everything else out. we can pay the bill when we've got more money.
TFG wanders into the far bedroom and finalizes the insurance purchase with a moment at the screen. S realizes the cosmic erasure of worry that lives with him in his new home. it is her. she is the eraser. S catches a glimpse of something amazing. not outwardly, but inward. the fear has been banished by courage, and a touch of real-world crisis solution in action has unfolded in front of him. he's just seen an offhand display of trust and love. and instantaneous problem solving.
Later. S is goofing off in the driveway with TFG's son, TBB. TFG pulls up in the family van, and kills the engine. She, the eraser of worry, has arrived home from work early. laden with library books, animal welfare literature for TBB, she slings a pizza from the local NY pizza joint.
S slaps himself in the head. his realization -that this amazing person, this, the girl he loves, this beautiful woman who has chosen him to share her life with, this singular individual who is always mindful of the needs of her family- hits him months too late.
S drives 45 minutes to work a short time later. with the gift accompanying him.
*end scene*
the perfect gift for a worried pragmatist. a gift of serenity. of security. a gift of a lesson learned.
how odd, the universe, and the incomprehensible workings thereof.
thank you. for the whole damn thing. i'm loving it.
18 October 2007
Communication is essential towards progression.
some blurbs, for your perusal, from the only thought collective cult that's ever caught and held my fancy for any period of time. i've loosely followed the ideas behind this collective for ten years or more. the actual list has dissolved, but these people are still out there. and i'm still here. and i'm grateful for sharing myself with them, and learning from them. thanks to the Process for helping to wake a confused and directionless twentysomething all those years ago.
a statement of denial of power, and therefore, control:
The Process, as an entity, does not encourage the individuals who subscribe to its ideology to pay homage to the people who exist to organize and promote the Processian ideal. Worship of another diffuses the will of the individual.
a statement of the recognition of the state of the world's leading religions. pay special attention to the statement regarding bias:
On one level we can draw some relation to the Tibetan concept of The Path of No Distinction. Within most organized belief systems there tends to be a bias construct which leads the believer to regard his or her path as the one true path. We encourage that the belief system is not the issue, in this case, it is the 'purity of path' itself which garners the utmost importance. The individual is true to the self, his or her internal direction (self directed instinct). The path transcends definition by attaining 'purity of cause'. The categorization or attempt to define the structure is secondary to its purpose as an effective interpersonal vehicle.
on communication, which is the center of all focus for this widely scattered chorus of thinkers:
It is not the aim of The Process to cultivate a following. It is however, our desire to initiate a vast networked collaborative effort. An effort focused on multi-faceted philosophical studies and artistic interaction. We strongly believe in networking artists who are devoted to the promotion of 'Media Literacy', building effective, honest models of communication. Understanding and therefore defusing destructive commercial archetypes (know thine enemy).
on inclusion, and the denial of exclusion, regardless of one's gender, belief system, job, education level, or any other distinction box that people love to classify themselves into:
Pure science has typically been as segregated as the plethora of belief systems which exist on our planet. Telecommunications technology has a way of throwing a kind of monkey wrench into this academic machine. The ability to efficiently cross reference large amounts of data, from what may have traditionally been viewed as unrelated fields, has had a rather anarchistic effect on the political structures of academia. There is, and should be, a movement towards blending science with art, western medicine with eastern holistics, philosophy with physics....the list goes on. We have nothing to lose, but everything to gain by bringing strong minds from many intellectual fronts into the same arena. Although this concept in itself is not a new one, we now have far better tools to facilitate it.
on expansion of one's vision:
In the same way the Process realizes that different belief structures are indeed different models, or tools, which enable us to further ourselves in the interpersonal arena. Taking a multi-disciplinary stance at a philosophical level one opens the self to a variety of new concepts, structures and tools to further define one's own path.
some statements of those who have contributed, and why they still inspire me. to think, to question, to analyze. to listen. to share. to learn from others. to trust that they have pure intent, in the sharing of themselves before a non-judgemental group of fellow learners and listeners.
"act before you think, but always think, always analyze, and figure out how to improve your situation. As an artist I know the importance of instinct tempered with thought, as well as the importance of being able to critique your own life."
"Sometimes it's so easy to forget the past. To sit in the comfortable sanctuary of the present, so afraid of the future, with the past a dull throb in your head. I like the words of Father Malachi; 'No fear, except the fear of leaving...'"
"I consider myself to be a part of The Process as i dont believe in any set religion/belief system in particular ("No culture has a monopoly on beauty or value....Just as no religion has a monopoly on truth." --Voltaire), but i am aware of certain aspects from almost every reilgion/belief system that i apply to my daily life. but, if i had to pick one aspect that i use more than others, it would have to be the power of the mind and the wonders it can do when not subconsciously influeneced by various thought impediments-->ex. TV, the government, controlling people, etc, etc..."
"Its sum being greater than the parts, The Process serves as a sounding board for ideas, provoking thought which may under other circumstances never have been given the right "culture" in which to form and grow. Thus the The Process is a growing, living organism whose form is a result of the collection of "cells" within it, as in any biological organism. The analogy with the natural world is of direct significance. All life operates within a set environment or eco-system, but its very presence is an integral part of that system. If any one species grows it is at the cost of another, and if any "external force" is introduced the balance can be forever altered with the possibility of collapse (as in the demise of rainforest lands every day)"
why am i not surprised that the idea/conception of this group of thinkers had its genesis in Canada? man, i sure do love Canada and the lovely intellectual and cerebral people who live there.
a statement of denial of power, and therefore, control:
The Process, as an entity, does not encourage the individuals who subscribe to its ideology to pay homage to the people who exist to organize and promote the Processian ideal. Worship of another diffuses the will of the individual.
a statement of the recognition of the state of the world's leading religions. pay special attention to the statement regarding bias:
On one level we can draw some relation to the Tibetan concept of The Path of No Distinction. Within most organized belief systems there tends to be a bias construct which leads the believer to regard his or her path as the one true path. We encourage that the belief system is not the issue, in this case, it is the 'purity of path' itself which garners the utmost importance. The individual is true to the self, his or her internal direction (self directed instinct). The path transcends definition by attaining 'purity of cause'. The categorization or attempt to define the structure is secondary to its purpose as an effective interpersonal vehicle.
on communication, which is the center of all focus for this widely scattered chorus of thinkers:
It is not the aim of The Process to cultivate a following. It is however, our desire to initiate a vast networked collaborative effort. An effort focused on multi-faceted philosophical studies and artistic interaction. We strongly believe in networking artists who are devoted to the promotion of 'Media Literacy', building effective, honest models of communication. Understanding and therefore defusing destructive commercial archetypes (know thine enemy).
on inclusion, and the denial of exclusion, regardless of one's gender, belief system, job, education level, or any other distinction box that people love to classify themselves into:
Pure science has typically been as segregated as the plethora of belief systems which exist on our planet. Telecommunications technology has a way of throwing a kind of monkey wrench into this academic machine. The ability to efficiently cross reference large amounts of data, from what may have traditionally been viewed as unrelated fields, has had a rather anarchistic effect on the political structures of academia. There is, and should be, a movement towards blending science with art, western medicine with eastern holistics, philosophy with physics....the list goes on. We have nothing to lose, but everything to gain by bringing strong minds from many intellectual fronts into the same arena. Although this concept in itself is not a new one, we now have far better tools to facilitate it.
on expansion of one's vision:
In the same way the Process realizes that different belief structures are indeed different models, or tools, which enable us to further ourselves in the interpersonal arena. Taking a multi-disciplinary stance at a philosophical level one opens the self to a variety of new concepts, structures and tools to further define one's own path.
some statements of those who have contributed, and why they still inspire me. to think, to question, to analyze. to listen. to share. to learn from others. to trust that they have pure intent, in the sharing of themselves before a non-judgemental group of fellow learners and listeners.
"act before you think, but always think, always analyze, and figure out how to improve your situation. As an artist I know the importance of instinct tempered with thought, as well as the importance of being able to critique your own life."
"Sometimes it's so easy to forget the past. To sit in the comfortable sanctuary of the present, so afraid of the future, with the past a dull throb in your head. I like the words of Father Malachi; 'No fear, except the fear of leaving...'"
"I consider myself to be a part of The Process as i dont believe in any set religion/belief system in particular ("No culture has a monopoly on beauty or value....Just as no religion has a monopoly on truth." --Voltaire), but i am aware of certain aspects from almost every reilgion/belief system that i apply to my daily life. but, if i had to pick one aspect that i use more than others, it would have to be the power of the mind and the wonders it can do when not subconsciously influeneced by various thought impediments-->ex. TV, the government, controlling people, etc, etc..."
"Its sum being greater than the parts, The Process serves as a sounding board for ideas, provoking thought which may under other circumstances never have been given the right "culture" in which to form and grow. Thus the The Process is a growing, living organism whose form is a result of the collection of "cells" within it, as in any biological organism. The analogy with the natural world is of direct significance. All life operates within a set environment or eco-system, but its very presence is an integral part of that system. If any one species grows it is at the cost of another, and if any "external force" is introduced the balance can be forever altered with the possibility of collapse (as in the demise of rainforest lands every day)"
why am i not surprised that the idea/conception of this group of thinkers had its genesis in Canada? man, i sure do love Canada and the lovely intellectual and cerebral people who live there.
...and, here it is.
... the rainy season.
It's been raining for several days now. the locals tell me that it will continue, on and off, for months. we're now in the "rainy season". it has made the commute more interesting, seeing green in the fields of the Willamette Valley, rather than the golds and browns and the long, spirals of dust following the tractors in the fields that were so prevalent when i arrived. there are, even in the second week of October, enough colors to keep my sensory overload overloaded.
bright flashes of true reds, oranges, yellows, golds, and greens fill the senses. the greens! there are too many to describe, and too full is the palette to occur anywhere but in nature, and too poor is my vocabulary to attempt anything other than a bland, vanilla description. the air is clean. the weather we're experiencing today (80MPH winds at the coast) is what the station's meteorologist describes as the remnants of a cyclonic series of storms that recently affected China. very cool.
normally, i'm not affected emotionally by the weather (having received an education at the behest of the harsh prevailing northwest winds of the winter prairie). this week has been one of change, and all that encompasses it. things are new and exciting and joyful and fun and scary. we're learning how to live together, as this change in our environment has been more than an acid test to be viewed clinically, in a detached methodology.
i've been down for a few days. worries about life, love, ineptitude, and concern with money. i don't like to worry about money. or ineptitude. or anything. and trying to catch up financially is futile in the near-short term. we're going to be broke for a while. and that stinks. but what is thr root, really? what is it that a vacuum void of money removes? it's the short term lack of stability that really grinds against my sense of "everything's okay". TFG doesn't dwell on these worries. she lives in the now. there is no concern for tomorrow, as that day will take shape on its own and provide its own challenges and rewards. sometimes i wish i could be as ethereal.
instead, i proscribe for the reality of life around us. yesterday, today, and tomorrow. i understood on the cusp of this voyage and transport that life as i had known it would pretty much upend in its entirety. and now we're experiencing the lack of stability that living in one place for twenty years can provide. it's exciting, and fearful. it's probably what really living feels like, and it's most likely an unfamiliar feeling considering the previous stagnation. while i recognize that i am now in a position to make a series of fantastic changes in my life, part of me yet longs for the clarity of mindless repetition that living in the midwest brought forward. i'm on the verge of becoming a whole new me. and it's okay. it's just new and unnerving.
and sometimes, like today, it's depressing. we don't have a bed yet. so we sleep where ever we collapse. We've discussed our new bed, out there somewhere, hopefully not being manufactured in an asian nation where the employees are under the gun. this new bed will be the first 'luxury item' on our list of things to acquire and accomplish. something that will be top notch, carefully researched and paid for in full; and TFG doesn't even have to produce any healthy children for me to earn it. it's so very important to me to handle this for TFG and I. as much as gender roles chap my ass ( i'll delve into this concept deeply someday, and possibly provide some fodder for discussion, dear reader, of their pre-determined dead-end obsolecense in a world of thoughtful evolution rather than of unthinking brutish animalism and emotional regression), i find myself in conflict about this one.
Charles Ingalls provided a bed and a house for Caroline in the wilds of Minnesota. I should be able to provide the same for TFG. and i will. obsolete role modeling aside. this is something i can do for my new mate, and myself. if we were entirely androgynous, i would still do this for my partner. there! i've just tossed that conflict aside, right before your eyes, dear reader.
so, someday it will stop raining. (even if there's no such thing as tomorrow.)
someday, we'll have some fiscal freedom. (even if we have the things we need to survive today.)
someday, we'll sleep, warm in our new bed, while the cold wind blows outside. (even if we have to sleep on the floor in separate rooms during the now.)
It's been raining for several days now. the locals tell me that it will continue, on and off, for months. we're now in the "rainy season". it has made the commute more interesting, seeing green in the fields of the Willamette Valley, rather than the golds and browns and the long, spirals of dust following the tractors in the fields that were so prevalent when i arrived. there are, even in the second week of October, enough colors to keep my sensory overload overloaded.
bright flashes of true reds, oranges, yellows, golds, and greens fill the senses. the greens! there are too many to describe, and too full is the palette to occur anywhere but in nature, and too poor is my vocabulary to attempt anything other than a bland, vanilla description. the air is clean. the weather we're experiencing today (80MPH winds at the coast) is what the station's meteorologist describes as the remnants of a cyclonic series of storms that recently affected China. very cool.
normally, i'm not affected emotionally by the weather (having received an education at the behest of the harsh prevailing northwest winds of the winter prairie). this week has been one of change, and all that encompasses it. things are new and exciting and joyful and fun and scary. we're learning how to live together, as this change in our environment has been more than an acid test to be viewed clinically, in a detached methodology.
i've been down for a few days. worries about life, love, ineptitude, and concern with money. i don't like to worry about money. or ineptitude. or anything. and trying to catch up financially is futile in the near-short term. we're going to be broke for a while. and that stinks. but what is thr root, really? what is it that a vacuum void of money removes? it's the short term lack of stability that really grinds against my sense of "everything's okay". TFG doesn't dwell on these worries. she lives in the now. there is no concern for tomorrow, as that day will take shape on its own and provide its own challenges and rewards. sometimes i wish i could be as ethereal.
instead, i proscribe for the reality of life around us. yesterday, today, and tomorrow. i understood on the cusp of this voyage and transport that life as i had known it would pretty much upend in its entirety. and now we're experiencing the lack of stability that living in one place for twenty years can provide. it's exciting, and fearful. it's probably what really living feels like, and it's most likely an unfamiliar feeling considering the previous stagnation. while i recognize that i am now in a position to make a series of fantastic changes in my life, part of me yet longs for the clarity of mindless repetition that living in the midwest brought forward. i'm on the verge of becoming a whole new me. and it's okay. it's just new and unnerving.
and sometimes, like today, it's depressing. we don't have a bed yet. so we sleep where ever we collapse. We've discussed our new bed, out there somewhere, hopefully not being manufactured in an asian nation where the employees are under the gun. this new bed will be the first 'luxury item' on our list of things to acquire and accomplish. something that will be top notch, carefully researched and paid for in full; and TFG doesn't even have to produce any healthy children for me to earn it. it's so very important to me to handle this for TFG and I. as much as gender roles chap my ass ( i'll delve into this concept deeply someday, and possibly provide some fodder for discussion, dear reader, of their pre-determined dead-end obsolecense in a world of thoughtful evolution rather than of unthinking brutish animalism and emotional regression), i find myself in conflict about this one.
Charles Ingalls provided a bed and a house for Caroline in the wilds of Minnesota. I should be able to provide the same for TFG. and i will. obsolete role modeling aside. this is something i can do for my new mate, and myself. if we were entirely androgynous, i would still do this for my partner. there! i've just tossed that conflict aside, right before your eyes, dear reader.
so, someday it will stop raining. (even if there's no such thing as tomorrow.)
someday, we'll have some fiscal freedom. (even if we have the things we need to survive today.)
someday, we'll sleep, warm in our new bed, while the cold wind blows outside. (even if we have to sleep on the floor in separate rooms during the now.)
09 October 2007
my secret.
i'm going to buy the new book from postsecret.
maybe i'll send them a card. maybe i already have. i'll never tell.
updates: TFG, TBB, and the Calico are alive, well, and travelling slowly. tonight they're at the top of the Montana Rockies, and at daylight will descend through Idaho and obnoxiously gorgeous Coeur D'alene. south of Spokane, friends are waiting to receive them, and give of their space and selves. thank you, friends.
the Calico is tolerating the travel well, minus pooping in TBB's Amish straw hat. the van is tolerating the travel well, minus a gasoline cap left in forgotyername, Montana. a group of people helped TFG navigate out from a near-jackknife maneouver in a gas station parking lot; they then applaud her as she successfully pilots out of the lot. man, i love this girl.
the next phase is along the mighty Columbia River Gorge.
maybe i'll send them a card. maybe i already have. i'll never tell.
updates: TFG, TBB, and the Calico are alive, well, and travelling slowly. tonight they're at the top of the Montana Rockies, and at daylight will descend through Idaho and obnoxiously gorgeous Coeur D'alene. south of Spokane, friends are waiting to receive them, and give of their space and selves. thank you, friends.
the Calico is tolerating the travel well, minus pooping in TBB's Amish straw hat. the van is tolerating the travel well, minus a gasoline cap left in forgotyername, Montana. a group of people helped TFG navigate out from a near-jackknife maneouver in a gas station parking lot; they then applaud her as she successfully pilots out of the lot. man, i love this girl.
the next phase is along the mighty Columbia River Gorge.
06 October 2007
the big transition
as i write, The Fabulous Girlfriend and the Beautiful boy are on their way West, loaded down with three-plus' lifetimes worth of stuff. a family's worth of stuff. not counting the stuff we left behind, donated or threw away. a van, a trailer, treasured things, and three most important souls. my heart is on the road with them.
TFG and TBB did this loading, and are doing this moving. With a select few helpers ushering and cheerleading and humping boxes up the stairs, they are leaving their old lives behind to join me and dear friends here in the beautiful PNW. With the wind of your positive energy giving them the necessary tailwind to guide and drive us.
Thank you, to all of those of you who have helped us make this once-distant and highly improbable dream a reality. It is because of your encouragement and positivity and graciousness that we've been able to pull this whole thing off.
They'll arrive after a few days on the road. and then, we'll move into our new address; the three of Us, the Calico, and the Memories of those who couldn't make the move with us physically, and yet will be there nonetheless, alongside us. in a new physical environment which will be most conducive to our lives, free from the cynical judgement of our previous environment.
so, i'll post updates while they travel as they become available. and then they'll arrive. and then we'll start our new lives together. une famille nouveau.
merci.
TFG and TBB did this loading, and are doing this moving. With a select few helpers ushering and cheerleading and humping boxes up the stairs, they are leaving their old lives behind to join me and dear friends here in the beautiful PNW. With the wind of your positive energy giving them the necessary tailwind to guide and drive us.
Thank you, to all of those of you who have helped us make this once-distant and highly improbable dream a reality. It is because of your encouragement and positivity and graciousness that we've been able to pull this whole thing off.
They'll arrive after a few days on the road. and then, we'll move into our new address; the three of Us, the Calico, and the Memories of those who couldn't make the move with us physically, and yet will be there nonetheless, alongside us. in a new physical environment which will be most conducive to our lives, free from the cynical judgement of our previous environment.
so, i'll post updates while they travel as they become available. and then they'll arrive. and then we'll start our new lives together. une famille nouveau.
merci.
23 September 2007
Iowa, in the summertime
...can be a multitude of different things. after perusing a fantastic blog of a beautiful family, and then finding a parallel in my own life, i wanted to share this with you, dear reader.
backstory, stage one: for reasons i never fully understood when i was little, my dad had this habit of finding antique tractors -sometimes mostly buried in a farmer's grove- and restoring them to nearly-factory specifications. models we found, bought and restored included the John Deere models D (1930), A, B, and G.
okay, backstory stage two: when we had these tractors, and they were ready for show, we would travel across iowa and south dakota during the summertime as exhibitors in antique horsepower shows. these are some of the happiest memories i have of my childhood! Giant Case, Hart-Parr, and other steam engine tractors, beyond description unless you've seen one leave three-inch-deep tracks as it slowly rumbles by, would fire off their whistles at 0500.
these things are amazing. monstrous feats of engineering. i remember a quote from one of my dad's steam engine books, concerning the question of water quality for your boiler:
backstory, stage one: for reasons i never fully understood when i was little, my dad had this habit of finding antique tractors -sometimes mostly buried in a farmer's grove- and restoring them to nearly-factory specifications. models we found, bought and restored included the John Deere models D (1930), A, B, and G.
eventually, the old man acquired several diesel Models, one of which he used to transport crops and produce into town from the Amish farms in the vicinity (no steel wheels).
okay, backstory stage two: when we had these tractors, and they were ready for show, we would travel across iowa and south dakota during the summertime as exhibitors in antique horsepower shows. these are some of the happiest memories i have of my childhood! Giant Case, Hart-Parr, and other steam engine tractors, beyond description unless you've seen one leave three-inch-deep tracks as it slowly rumbles by, would fire off their whistles at 0500.
the scent of hay and coal smoke in the crisp morning air. the ho-down jamborees in the church on saturday night. the continual pop-pop-pop of enormous two-cylinder engines idling on kerosene. the burrrrrrrrrrrrrr of a multitude of stationary kerosene and steam power engines. horses. quiet farmers in straw hats and overalls (that was really how they dressed daily, not simply for the benefit of the curious town people.) the chaff flying through the hot air while farmers worked, quite seriously, on antique threshing rigs powered by dad's D.
these things are amazing. monstrous feats of engineering. i remember a quote from one of my dad's steam engine books, concerning the question of water quality for your boiler:
"if you wouldn't drink it, don't you dare put it into your boiler."
separating wheat from chaff is an ages old endeavour, and in the very early 20th century, required an immense amount of effort, equipment, patience, and determination.
separating wheat from chaff is an ages old endeavour, and in the very early 20th century, required an immense amount of effort, equipment, patience, and determination.
i would spend hours stone-grinding non-gmo corn (there were farmers who eschewed gmo's in the seventies too, people!) with the assistance of a kindly exhibitor and his legion of small, kerosene powered stationary power engines. i would come back to the camper covered in fresh corn flour, much to the chagrin of my poor mother. she would come after me with a washcloth, and i would then retreat to a steam-powered carousel for a diversion.
enter today. and here are some photographs of my family, dear reader, to celebrate the timelessness of both family and steam traction.
and this one is special, just for a little guy also named Scotty who also has a fascination with all things steam engine. you have no idea who i am, but you and your enthusiasm just made my day. thank you.
yeah, i come from pretty good stock. meet andrew and larry peterson. good coupla guys.
Church, V.2.0
i've been spending quite a bit of time in the car as of late. driving, circling the new city (sharking, as an old friend of mine called reconnoitering), looking for a place to put myself and the famille nouveau. that, plus my regular commute. don't get me wrong, i kind of like the commute... i've never had one before, and the stretch is straight, not too long, and offers quiet time with the mp3 player and my own brain for company.i've discovered that moving into a college town at the beginning of semester can be:
1. expensive
2. irritating, as the availability/quality of housing can be really thin/picked over
3. exhausting.
i needed a break, with some real 'remove myself from it all' benefits. and the availability of a world city an hour away offered me exactly the suspension of disbelief that this old cynic required: an evening with Alan and Mimi.
i'm not quite sure where my fascination with Low came from. mostly, i'm thinking it has to do with the otherworldly vocal harmonies, used with surgical precision. if the surgeon was made of a misty cloud of water vapor. or something. this kind of music can only be authored and performed by people truly joined at the brain. Alan and Mimi have known each other since they were 9, were married, are raising (and i believe, home-schooling) their beautiful children, and throughout it all, have been making music together. for their whole lives.
a Low concert seems to be a nearly-spiritual event for those who attend. defying modern concert atmosphere conventions, there isn't any obnoxious behaviour. nobody's wasted. the audience is quiet, as to hear the music fully. enthusiastic, honest applause after songs. one could hear the bartenders, way at the back of the room, quietly talking to each other. this show was in an interesting club, very small, and i found that it was much more conducive to their alternately hushed and overdriven music. First Avenue in Minneapolis is big, fun, and loud, but it didn't seem like the kind of place that a band that regularly performs in church sanctuaries would fit best. from the softest harmonies to harsh and snarling overdriven guitars, the sound and atmosphere was perfect. thanks, Low.
when i was picking up some fresh schwag for the Beautiful Boy and The Fabulous Girlfriend, the merch guy saw my old twins cap, and quickly put his on as well. "even if the twins have given up, it doesn't mean that we have to, right?"
a twelve hour shift awaited me, after a 90 minute drive from portland to eugene. it didn't matter. i was, for lack of a better definition, spiritually recharged. now i'll find that house. and it will be.
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