"...And then one day you find...

...ten years have got behind you; no one told you when to run; you missed the starting gun."

These simple yet powerful lyrics have guided me, here and there, for most of my adult life. As in: make the most of your time, because you only have a certain amount of it.

Richard Wright made the most of his time. In a little more than forty years of public life and performance, his music and quiet elegance and inherent dignity have affected millions of people worldwide, bringing tears, joy, and inspiration across multiple generations. Wright was known for intentionally putting "spaces" in the middle of busy music (illustrated here). remaining true to his own affection for the music of Miles Davis, who himself said that the spaces between the notes were much more important than the actual notes in and of themselves. Couldn't the same thing be said about a certain amount of the time we have?

David Gilmour recently referred to the musical connection that he shared with Wright as ''Telepathy". True that, David.

In 2006, when I found out that Wright would be touring with David Gilmour's band in support of On an Island, I was thrilled. While I was unable to attend one of the 6 shows they played in the United States, I was able to scour bittorrent sites for links to scratchy, noisy bootlegs of the tour. Fueled by headphones and marijuana, i imagined myself in attendance at one of the $800 theatre seats (curse you, ebay ticket brokers!!), absorbing the same haunting harmonies of Echoes more than 25 years later. It didn't really matter that I didn't attend, as I followed their progress throughout Europe and North America. Shortly after I arrived in Oregon, I purchased the concert DVD and have enjoyed it a zillion times since.

My point is this, I suppose: Richard Wright went out quickly and quietly, surrounded by his family, at home. This, of course, is all any of us could hope for. However, Rick went out at the top of his game. His musical skill was at its apex, and he had just completed a highly successful tour with those friends he loved, sharing his gift with many, many people all over the world. In the aforementioned DVD, he shared many little tidbits in the included documentaries about how much fun and joy-filled his time with his musical partner has been. Coincidentally, his band released a full concert DVD of their show at the historically important Gdansk Shipyards in Poland only a few days after his death. While I haven't yet seen the film, I have listened to the show, and it truly does show Wright at the top of his game. Make sure to check out the usage of tuned crystal wine glasses during "Shine on you Crazy Diamond". organic, simple, gorgeous overtones.

So, thanks for sharing some of your time with us, Rick. Say hello to Syd for us, and know that those simple keystrokes and important spaces between have given those of us left attached to this mortal coil much to think about, and much to enjoy. Shine on.

this weekend

...i made a new friend.














...meet my buddy fergus.

Going along in company together, a wise man Must mix with other foolish persons. But on seeing what is wrongful he abandons them. As a full-fledged heron leaves the marshy ground.

-Udana 8.7

tonight, in Clarice Starling-esque irritation, I delete personal files from my work desktop account. While doing so, I imagine the green, the oxygen, and the finest financial security: money, that is earned doing that which one loves. The loud roar of anger and the twinge of corporate workplace betrayal fades as i bathe in the future green. in preparation for departure, i go through my email inbox. inside, i find the above mail waiting for me.

and now, i'm ready to let go. Thanks, TFG. Together, in conjunction with the Universe, you may just have turned the tide. I may just be a Believer in the complete interconnectedness of Life, the Universe, and Everything.

So be it. Ahead, the delicious transition into the unknown. Adventure!

TMI friday

it's friday. time for the Too much Information about my upbringing Meme!
True statements are in bold. pass it along, should you see fit to share. :)


1. Father went to college
2. Father finished college
3. Mother went to college
4. Mother finished college
5. Have any relative who is an attorney, physician, or professor
6. Were the same or higher class than your high school teachers. ( this must be a british thing?)
7. Had more than 50 books in your childhood home.
8. Had more than 500 books in your childhood home.
9. Were read children's books by a parent (and grandma and grandpa, too!)
10. Had lessons of any kind before you turned 18 (music, driving track/field: discus)
11. Had more than two kinds of lessons before you turned 18
12. The people in the media who dress and talk like me are portrayed
13. Had a credit card with your name on it before you turned 18
14. Your parents (or a trust) paid for the majority of your college costs
15. Your parents (or a trust) paid for all of your college costs
16. Went to a private high school
17. Went to summer camp (Church of the Bretheren, Eldora, Iowa.)
18. Had a private tutor before you turned 18 (during the ADD/ritalin phase. i really pissed him off, i think. poor guy.)
19. Family vacations involved staying at hotels (nope. stayed with friends and family!)
20. Your clothing was all bought new before you turned 18
21. Your parents bought you a car that was not a hand-me-down from them (a 1962 Ford Galaxie coupe! Wow! simply an amazing car. loved it.)
22. There was original art in your house when you were a child
23. You and your family lived in a single-family house
24. Your parent(s) owned their own house or apartment before you left home
25. You had your own room as a child (Like Crazy, I was an only child until i was ...7?)
27. Participated in a SAT/ACT prep course ??
28. Had your own TV in your room in high school (preferred the stereo-swiped the folks speakers)
29. Owned a mutual fund or IRA in high school or college
30. Flew anywhere on a commercial airline before you turned 16
31. Went on a cruise with your family
32. Went on more than one cruise with your family
33. Your parents took you to museums and art galleries as you grew up
34. You were unaware of how much heating bills were for your family (but i knew how much work went into keeping us warm in the midwest wintertime! corncobs, oak, ash, pine)

Bonus Round:
35. Your parents showed affection to one another
36. Your parents showed evidence of a sexual relationship (they're human! good for them, i say.)
37. You were conscious of your parents having money problems
38. Your parents fought in front of you and/or your siblings
39. Your parents confided in you about their marital problems
40. You were concerned at any time before you were 18 your parents might get divorced


unrelated, but interesting and fun!

Today is the feast day of Saint Dwynwen, patron saint of Welsh lovers. Princess Dwynwen was the most beautiful of Brychan Brycheiniog’s twenty-four daughters. She was deeply in love with Maelon Dafodrill, but her father had promised her to another prince.

In his frustration, Maelon raped her and ran away to escape her father’s wrath. Grief-stricken, Dwynwen retreated to a lonely wood and prayed that she might be relieved of her love for Maelon. In her dream, an angel gave her a sweet drink which cured her; but she saw Maelon turn into a block of ice when he drank from the same cup.

The angel then granted Dwynwen three wishes. She wished first that Maelon be restored; second, that she herself would never marry; third, that all requests made to her by true lovers be granted. So make a wish today. You don’t have to be Welsh, but it helps.

a breath of fresh air.

so. i've made it official, to myself at least. i've printed a calendar for the next seven weeks and one day. i've circled a specific day... the fourteenth of march. a week beyond my six month anniversary at this little TV station in my little market.



seven weeks and one day, and i shan't want or need to commute +/- 2 hours every day to go to work. i'll get a nice job in Corvallis that i really love, and i'll give up my corporate benefits package gladly.



i see happy, smiling, green plants at the end of this tunnel. a nice, warm greenhouse. sunshine. physical exertion. i see a bunch of learning for me at the end of this here corporate tunnel.



i'm happy that it only took me six months of working here to figure out that i really don't want to work here. Thanks, ClearChannel. While I'm sure you'll do just fine without me, I remain grateful that you gave me a nice opportunity to move away and start a whole new life. I will be grateful in the future to collect a paycheck that doesn't have the same watermark that Rush Limbaugh's paycheck does.



next step: finding the perfect place, doing something that i will really love, with a smaller paycheck. and no commute. except maybe on this.

Potential energy, connection with the Ethereal, and politics.

There are approximately fifteen hundred thousand zillion (+/- 2,000) Greenhouses and plant nurseries in the Valley. One of which TFG and I visited before we went to hang with Miles for a couple of hours. Here in this randomly chosen greenhouse, the love shines out of the windows (more on this later). The lovely proprietor was a wealth of knowledge on what/when/how we could plant, and the seed company, based in the Valley, has zillions of plants which were chosen to sell in the Valley because they are meant to grow in the Valley.

i would imagine myself clamoring out the door in the morning, should i be lucky enough to work in an environment such as this.
"Gotta go! the plants await!"

a one line snippet, delivered by the super-nice proprietor in a lovingly offhand manner:
"Well, Our rule of thumb is that when the snow melts off of the top of Mary's Peak, it's safe to plant."

we couldn't have garnered that type of knowledge on our own in the time we've been here. thanks, super-nice greenhouse proprietor. Over the weekend, I made a first draft at the nature of the seeds/starter plants we would need to fulfill the map I created of the garden which hasn't been built yet. (LITN potentiality/disappointment alert!) This draft is subject to constant revision, as the line between what i want and what will happen in reality will eventually cross over. don't doubt me, dear reader. i make this crap up all of the time.

there's far too much stuff on the list. seven different kinds of organic, ready-to-grow-in-the-Valley tomatoes? Yes! we need them ALL! No. it's too much for the space we have. organic peppers, yes. but do we really need seven kinds? do we really want to grow that much stuff? potatoes. zucchini. onions. garlic. rosemary. basil. a pumpkin. I'd love to spend three hours a day in this upcoming jungle. I can see it, dear reader. i have a reasoned, sensible, and planned expectation that i will make it happen. my new family's first garden together.

...and we haven't even made the list of the flowers we'd like to grow.

But!! (and I thought of you, Jenny while i did this) i did have fun making the map. and the list. and the planning. and the plotting. and the planning of the plotting. and the imagining. and the visualizing. the making of the list and checking things off of the list. checking "making a list" off of the list. in the end, however, we still have to pick the seed/starters and prep the ground and p.h. test. call me results oriented, but nothing actually has been done yet.... no physical results of my "spend a couple of hours in the garden which probably lies in my future" time planning.

it's so difficult for me to reconcile how i'm wasting my NOW (-not actually doing anything except imagining-) by planning the upcoming WHEN which has infinite ability to disappoint because it may not happen exactly the way i imagine it!(when the loving planting/farming/sweating stuff actually gets done, and i have dirt under my nails). A certain pseudo-religion would frown and shake their fingers at me. read the first line of this page, a quote from L. Ron Hubbard, founder of yet another Live in the Now philosophy. of course, we can find a direct crossover. But that's just me- I like to cross-reference!

anyway, enough of the Live in the Now Neurosis, ....for now. no, wait.... ...NOW! :)

Dreams. another area of fruition as of late. Both TFG and TBB have been visited in theirs by a little girl named Yves. (yes, the masculine form of Yvette). I haven't seen her yet, but it sure would be nice if she showed up. i'm pretty sure i'd like her.

and, lastly, this little snippit. I am considering re-registering as an Independant voter in my new state, unaffiliated with anyone. Stuff like this reinforces the thought.

meanwhile, back at the Bad German Disco...

Embodiment.

Embodying without judgment

"To be fully embodied means to be at one with who we are, in every respect, including our physical being, our emotions, and the totality of our karmic situation. It is to inhabit, completely, our relative reality, with no speck of ourselves left over, no external observer waiting for something else or something better...(It) involves experiencing the totality of oneself, without judgment."

-Reggie Ray.

I like that the author has the wisdom and foresight to include the little bit about reality in his quote. it makes stuff like this easier for for a loyal Doubting Thomas-ist like me to grasp.

It's been a really nice couple of days here in the Valley. The sun has shone. TFG and I sat in our bedroom today over some really wonderful food from our local (let me rephrase: LOCAL) taqueria with the window open. I was introduced to a yummy rice-based drink, but i still preferred TBB's draft root beer. At said LOCAL taqueria, i was assured that if i was unable to procure any good habanero sauce that their family would certainly be happy to sell me some of theirs- mixed fresh weekly, and at a tenth of the price of bottled habanero sauce. (even though the proprietor advised that "it is really expensive ...to sell."

we practiced some spanish words while we ate. a new favorite of mine is to repeat "Te Molesto?" while i repeatedly tap TBB on his forehead with my index finger. He is very happy to show me another finger with an entirely different meaning, and we both laugh. and then i poke him in the ribs. and then he giggles. and then he unleashes a well-placed elbow to mine. and i gasp. and then we both giggle.

side note/diversion: TBB loves to grapple. He loves the physicality of being around a grown man, and wrestling/grappling/exercising with said (over)grown man. I like this activity too, because of the inevitable bonding that it produces-not to mention that benchpressing him over my head ten times a day is good for my oft-neglected chest and shoulders. we love to be together, and in physical contact with each other. Here is my quandry: often, i am forced (internally) to say 'please, let's stop' , for the reasons which follow:

A.) I outweigh the boy by two hundred pounds. I am stronger than he is, for the time being. I am afraid that random grappling and assorted ninja-esque submission holds will eventually physically hurt him. I don't want to physically hurt him -ever. I am, out of necessity, very careful when we play. I'm convinced that i will accidentally hurt him if we play as hard as he wants to, every day. I'm very big and can be oafishly clumsy. know thyself.

B.) I don't want the boy's memories of our time together as one stretch of violence, even mock or pretend. I don't want to be really good at instantly causing pain to TBB. he's big for his age, and astonishingly physically resilient. still, i don't want him to remember our first stages together, as a family, as a period of all which we did was to bounce off of each other (i want to use the word literally here, but i shall refrain, dear reader).

C.) it causes his dear mother angst. and i'd rather chew my way out of a coyote trap than to cause his dear mother angst. she's a pretty special lady. i like her a lot. i want to un-angst things when i am with her.

i welcome advice from parents who have more experience than i. and that's pretty much all of them. my instinct is to re-direct the energy, but attempts so far towards this end have resulted in an instantly dejected little boy who just wants to play. and playing always equals grappling.

i advised TFG that i believe that i'm evolving. insofar as i believe that i prefer to wear my new pajamas around the house all day. this holiday season, i raked in three pair of pajama pants, each more fuzzy, comfortable and fun than the next. i even went out to get our breakfast while wearing them. Sorry, Mary. i think the lassiez-faire attitude of the Valley is getting to me.

today, the sun shone in the valley.

Inwardly be free of all hopes and desires, but outwardly do what needs to be done. Without hopes in your heart, live as if you were full of hopes. Live with your heart now cool and now warm, just like everyone else. Inwardly give up the idea "I am the doer," yet outwardly engage in all activities. This is how to live in the world, completely free from the least trace of ego.

-Maharamayana

La Vie en Rose

and another.
all over the world. yep.

1. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random The first article title on the page is the name of your band.
2. http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3 The last four words of the very last quote is the title of your album.
3. http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days/ The third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

1. La Vie en Rose (with Edith Piaf!!)

2. "...we counted our spoons", Ralph Waldo Emerson

3. yep. the third picture on the page. from the bottom.

Unconscious Mutterings, the Free Association meme

1. Dream big :: the savage wishy-washyness of LITN. ;)


2. Competition :: unnecessary. unless you're snarling for Alpha Dominance in the wolfpack.


3. Torn :: Bad Natalie Umbrugalia pop song.


4. Modeling :: a neck injury, obtained while swimming the seas of shallow.
alternately, a neck injury obtained while craning to get a second look at Lauren Bacall.

5. Coaster :: favorite one collected: Cafe 420.


6. Slut :: obsolete.


7. Spread :: the yummy stuff TFG buys.


8. Amanda :: Petty Larceny.


9. Romance :: still patience.


10. Paradise :: Romance. Served with a green salad on the side.

unrelated, or maybe not. regarding worship:

"A person will worship something, have no doubt about that. We may think our trubute is paid in secret in the dark recesses of our hearts, but it will out. That which dominates our imaginations and our thoughts will determine our lives, and our character. Therefore, it behooves us to be careful what we worship, for what we are worshipping we are becoming."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"An authentic life is the most personal form of worship. Everyday life has become my prayer."

-Sarah Ban Breathnach

de-mystifying feminine sexuality.

for my male readers, this is for you. well, mostly it's for me. call it a public service.

EET Is German Disco Lightshow!!

take whatever hallucinogenics you may have nearby.
Und Yah!



side note: the beautiful boy and i are thinking about naming one of our fifty-eleven bands after this skit. think you could groove to a band called German Disco Lightshow? i think we could.

Unlurk Yourself!

statement/request: i have like, seven readers, dear reader. one of them is probably you. express yourself, trenchcoat or no. delurk and feel the flying freedom, feel the flapping fringe of the floating freedom which follows.

house news/request for opinion: we're saving up for the best stinkin' vacuum cleaner any of us has ever seen, much less owned. suggestions? do we drop the big cha-ching for the dyson, or will a bissell do? an oreck? i shan't tolerate a kirby, my apologies to those of you who work for them.

backstory: one of the three of us is a vacuum fetishist/playa. one of the three of us is a vacuum ignorist/Zen practitioner. one of the three of us is a vacuum terrified/shock trauma-ed "please don't vacuum! Ever!" practitioner. bonus points to those of you who can correctly identify us. Your opinions on the type/brand of our next vacuum will be weighed more heavily.

A retrospective on 2007:

1. Family.
2. Friends
3. Me.
4. Someone I love.
5. My Choice.

Archive Meme Instructions:
Go back through your archives and post the links to your five favorite blog posts that you've written. ... but there is a catch:

Link 1 must be about family.
Link 2 must be about friends.
Link 3 must be about yourself, who you are... what you're all about.
Link 4 must be about something you love.
Link 5 can be anything you choose.

DMA, CD's, and the RIAA.

a few reasons why i haven't bought any compact discs in a while.
first, there was the insult of the encoded digital rights management included on certain CD's. Humans, especially consumers, cannot be trusted and MUST be punished, even pre-emptively.


then, the recent ruling on the Atlantic VS. Howell case explain that buying a cd is okay. ripping the music off of it to put onto your IPod or other personal listening device isn't. CD's MUST be listened to in your CD player only. MP3 files must be additionally purchased, elsewhere. you have then effectively bought the licence to listen to someone else's music, twice. Listening to your CD in someone else's car (with them present) is also in violation of the licence you purchased to listen to someone else's music. to be legal, you MUST listen to this music alone.

the voice in my head that asks, "well, don't artists deserve to get paid?" says, yes. of course. they signed a deal that made them instant stars, with all of the trappings. the artist is afforded a lifetime of luxury due to their work and creative skills. but they aren't making any money. they wouldn't make any money even if their record hadn't been traded or shared even once.

the recording industry is dead, but it doesn't know it yet. with easy and cheap access to top-quality home studio stuff, artists don't need to spend a thousand dollars an hour to record in a big, beautiful studio. there isn't any rush to get as much stuff in as you can. a home-recording, when shared with friends and fans, can, with care, show the same kind of internal love and harmony that shows up in other self-produced goods. Artists can network and get the music to those who are interested. all that is left now, is to watch while the shark tank of lawyers do their very best to hold on to the massive retainers paid by the RIAA, by attacking the consumers of their product. correction: the consumers of their product licenses.

i imagine that it's entirely possible that the entire major label recording industry will collapse before the beautiful boy makes his first vote for president. and it can't come soon enough. let's replace the old model with one that takes into consideration that which should have been considered all along: a respectful business partnership with the consumer.

Today's Daily OM

January 1, 2008
Starting New
A Moment Of Choice

There are times in our lives that lend themselves to starting something new. The beginning of a new year, finishing school, leaving a job, or changing homes—these all are times that turn our minds to fresh starts. Their advantage is that they bring with them the energy of that event, creating a tide of change around them that we can ride to our next shoreline. But we can choose to start anew anytime. In any moment we can decide that a bad day or a relationship that’s gotten off on the wrong foot can be started again. It is a mental shift that allows us to clean the slate and approach anything with fresh eyes, and we can make that choice at any time.

Starting new is most powerful when we focus our attention to what we are choosing to create. Giving all of our attention to the unwanted aspects of our lives allows what we resist to persist. We need to remember to leave enough room in the process of new beginnings to be kind to ourselves, because it takes time to become accustomed to anything new, no matter how much we like it. There is no need to get down on ourselves if we don't reach our new goals instantly. Instead, we acknowledge the forward motion and choose to reset and start again, knowing that with each choice we learn, grow, and move forward.

Making the choice to start anew has its own energy—it's a promise made to you. The forward momentum creates a sort of vacuum behind it, pulling toward you all you need to help you continue moving in your chosen direction. Once the journey has begun, it may take unexpected turns, but it never really ends. Like cycles in nature, there are periods of obvious growth and periods of dormancy that signal a time of waiting for the right moment to burst forth. Each time we choose to start anew we dedicate ourselves to becoming the best we are able to be.

i like how the Buddhists have a way of making one give oneself a backspin kick in the forehead.

clouds. and more clouds.

It's been raining in Oregon. Foggy in Oregon. Rainy and Foggy in Oregon. Grey and Rainy and Foggy in Oregon. Damp and Grey and Rainy and Foggy in Oregon. It is not sunny in Oregon. I'm getting pretty tired of Grey and Damp and Rainy and Foggy. At the small market station i work for, i've kind of fallen into a coach/learner relationship with this Dear Little Old Man, who makes his living by futzing with circuitboards, solving intense differential equations, and driving up the mountain to bring the transmitter back online. DLOM is kind, and has deep creases in his face from a lifetime of smiling. DLOM says to The Fabulous Girlfriend, The Beautiful Boy and I, one cloudy misty day, that it "only rains in Oregon three times a year. From October to May, Some of June, and Some in September."

I've been wondering for nineteen weeks in a row if i'll ever fucking see the sun again. I know it is up there, probably exactly the 93 million miles away that it always is. I just wish i could see it now and again. Tonight at work, the chief meteorologist is calling for rain and fog and grey and damp for another seven days straight. I'm hoping that the smiling face of J.R. Dobbs is in the sky, smiling down at me from above the Rain and Fog and Mist and Grey and ......well, i hope his FROP is as good as the stuff i smoked today. who am i kidding. of course his FROP is good; he's Bob!

Today i took a drive up and down the valley. It was cloudy, but was not raining. However, the moisture saturation in the air was low enough to see the foothills on both sides of the valley, and to see the snow-capped mountains beyond them. I could see Mary's Peak, overlooking Corvallis from the west. She was beautiful. I had pretty much forgotten that she lived there. and then, ten miles north of Eugene, a wallcloud of fog stood there, defiant and still. i flipped the foglights on in the snarfler, and plunged unafraid into the glowing mist.

It ain't all bad. some people really like the clouds. you can see their work here. Christ. i just wish sometimes that a nice, fat, sub-zero northwest blast would come through for a few days like it did (and will continue to) back home on the prairie. An uncaring, Far-Below-Zero wind that scrubs the High Plains, leaving behind topsoil-flavored snowdrifts under the screaming White Winter Sun, circling quickly in the fiercely blue southern sky. Something other than this sluggish, slow-moving sea of clouds, the fan blades of the repeating spiralic systems pinwheeling in from their focal point over the Bering Sea.

I think this qualifies as a complaint. It's okay. I'll simply move my purple wristband to my other wrist, and begin again at this very moment. Happy New Year, dear reader.